I always see videos of people with their friends, and I think why can’t I have that to? Why do I have to ruin every relationship I have before they can leave and hurt me. Just like everyone has. Why can’t I trust people. I am always so scared people will see me for who I really am, a horrible friend and person. Someone who no one should love. Why can’t I ask for help? I wish I could talk to someone about how I feel but every time I try I can’t. I feel like anytime I try I remember that I’m just be dramatic, and that so many people have it worse than me. I remember that they will probably think that too. They will tell me to get over it and s*** it up. That I just want attention, and nothing is wrong with me. That I am faking it, maybe I am. Maybe I am creating a reality for myself because I want to. Maybe I could stop feeling like this if I tried. But I am trying, I am trying so hard, to just forget about myself. And do you know what is the scariest part? How easy it is to put back on the ‘I’m fine’ mask. How easy it is to pretend, especially with myself. I can feel like total s*** and hate myself so much and then I hear someone coming and I can pretend that I wasn’t thinking about doing something or crying about how much I miss everything. So many people have left I don’t feel anything other than this sort of numbness. It’s like I’m empty. I can’t even cry anymore. I’ve run out of tears, so all I can do is lie on the floor staring at the ceiling as hours go by. I can’t stop think about how it was. Every year I miss the last. I think about all the good times. But I’m scared because there are less and less every year. I’m worried that soon there will be none. I will have no one, no one will care if I just disappear. It would be so nice, to be gone. To not exist. But I can’t do it yet. I need to first try, I need to actually ask for help. But I can’t do that either. The two solutions go round and round my head. Again and again. I just want to stop feeling like this. I don’t just feel sad, it hurts. I can’t place how or where, it just does. I just want to scream and sob. But I can’t because then people will come and ask ‘are you okay?’. I don’t even know why I’m so scared. So scared to have people see how… I don’t know, sad doesn’t feel like a strong enough word. Im not sad. I am so much worse. So so much. I’m so tired all the time. I just want to give up, on everything. School, friends, family, life. But at the same time I just want to be happy. I want to be able to go out to the mall with my friends and not having to worry if they think I’m babyish or clingy or if they might have a much better time without me. All I have right now are those small moments, of complete happiness where I forget about all I’m worried about. But those don’t happen anymore. I don’t think anyone is actually happy to see me in the morning. I think that I am just another person on this planet. I am just a stranger, just another student or classmate, just another beating heart. I wonder if everyone feels like this. I hope not. I would never wish this feeling on anyone. Not even the people that make my blood boil. Because at least they make me feel something. Could I be happy? If I just was born as a different person? Could I not be listening to my ‘songs to cry to’ playlist at 3 in the morning? Could I not hate myself and everything about me? Could i not be trying to change how I look, not comparing myself to others. I don’t know if I’m going to be hear for a lot longer. I just don’t want it to be painful. I just want it all to stop. I just want everything to be gone. But the thing is I don’t want to hurt anyone the same way so many hurt me. Because when they left they didn’t really have a choice. I do, I can stay even if it’s just for others. Except I don’t want to stay. Because if I left I could have no attachments for when I do it. That way I don’t hurt anyone. If I’m being complete honest, I don’t know how to commit. At least in a painless way. It’s kinda funny though. I’m some ways I don’t want it to hurt, but in others that all want. To punish myself. To feel a pain or emotion that’s real. Not just in my head. It’s weird to think that this isn’t actually real. That I’m making it up. That I have created this feeling for myself. I am so sorry to anyone I have hurt. I’m am so sorry. I don’t know how to show how much. I wish I hadn’t let you in, I wish I could have just left you alone and not try to make become friends with me. Because i am going to hurt spin way or another. Because how am I supposed not hurt others when I can tint hurt myself. But again I don’t deserve to have people or myself show me kindness and love. I don’t deserve anything. Not friends or a family or life at all. Someone else could be so much better at living. Why can they just take over, fix everything I have done. I’m so done with life. I don’t want to feel this numb pain. ‘Numb pain’ doesn’t really make sense until you feel it. It’s like the numbness is painful, or maybe the pain is numbing. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.