I am very dissatisfied with my life. I have a lot I should be grateful for but I still feel small and unimportant. My girlfriend fucks with my head

12 years

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I am very dissatisfied with my life. I have a lot I should be grateful for but I still feel small and unimportant. My girlfriend fucks with my head constantly. I am so tense it drives me crazy. I obsess over drugs and s** and anything to get out of my head. I cannot imagine walking away from my family, and I won’t, but my woman thinks very little of me. I haven’t had a job in 5 years. I have a little money from a trust but its not enough and I need a job. A year or so ago a friend of mine from out of town came to spend the weekend. after much drinking he ended up having s** with my girl friend. I couldn’t believe what was happening, but I liked it. After all was said and done, they ended up screwing a few times a week for about 6 months. I would listen to them through the wall and play with my self. I couldn’t believe she would act like that. I was alone with him at one point and I asked him to tell me about their deal and he said that she just was not attracted to me like that although she does love me. I was so turned on by him telling me this that i asked more questions. He said that according to her, he was a better lover and more well endowed. I asked him to show me his p****. He did, I touched it and then I gave him head. His p**** is much larger then mine. I had never given a man head before and I really liked it. He had an o***** from it. I have given him head many times since. He has came in my mouth and truthfully I want to have s** with him. real s** with him inside of me. I am ashamed of this. I really need to get my head on straight.

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I f****** hate you (bf) , you f****** manipulative,hypocrite, emotionally abusive, vaping, life draining, wannabe player b******. I.HATE YOU. I still deeply resent you. This is why everyone thinks you’re an a****** at your job. You’re not some anti-hero that you claimed to be. No- You’re just an a******. Point blank . Especially to me of all people! You always take it out on me, and you still wonder why I won’t touch you like that or shut down completely with you. Everytime you sense or feel even an inch that im happy, peaceful, something I enjoy doing you immediately smash that down so you can feel better and have power over me. What’s funny is that every time you’re in the wrong, overstep your boundaries, make me really upset or talk crap to me – karma smacks you right in the face everytime & you don’t even realize it. Funny how you’ve said yourself that people spit at the sky just for it to come back-yet you’ve done the exact same thing too – you’re not godlike or safe from getting karma, even I’ve dealt with karma too when I was in the wrong many times too. So no- you’re not a misunderstood dark knight turn bad like the joker you claim to be. You’re just an egotistical bigoted jerk & everyone can see that except you. I hate myself that I fell for your facade – lovebomb trap years ago . And all the times that you’ve talked crap about other’s appearances, especially women’s, karma yet again smacked you in the face & put on a ton of weight and still wonder why you haven’t lost pounds but still continue on demanding me to cook & make you even more food despite you complaining about it , hmmmm , gee I wonder why. Anyways , glad to vent that out .