On May 18th 2018 I got out of bed around 6am walked to our gaming room and found my husband’s lifeless body lying on our couch.
My husband came home from being out with friends all night around 2 am, kissed me on the head, said “I love you”, went to take a shower. When he was done asked me where his uniform was (Army), I told him, he went to the gaming room to get dressed. I was supposed to drive him to work that morning and help him speak to someone about his mental health issues but instead I got out of bed around 5:30AM because we needed to be leaving soon, walked to our gaming room and saw the door shut with the light off. It seemed weird but I figured he fell asleep because he was out all night. So, I opened the door, turned on the light and saw him lying there with a black trash bag over his head. I looked him up and down and my mind couldn’t believe what it was seeing, so, I turned the light off, shut the door and started walking back to our bedroom. As soon as my toes touched the wooden kitchen floor, it hit me what I had just seen. A wave of nausea came over me to the point of dry heaving, my knees became weak and I fell, I was screaming but there was no sound. I was finally able to make a sound and all I could say was “I need help”. Our 19 year old son heard me calling for help and came running. I was finally able to call 911 and they wanted me to do CPR on him. I went back to the room and his hands caught my eyes, they were ghostly white and twisted up. I paused for a minute and then ran over to rip the bag off his head, his eyes were half open but empty and his face looked yellow. Our son and I moved him onto the ground and I started chest compressions. The sounds he made still haunt me to this day, 4 years later. When the paramedic got there I immediately ran out of the room and the police officer moved our entire family into my bedroom while they worked on him. I kept hearing the beeping and thought they restarted his heart but it was just the machine making noises as they were trying.
It’s been 4 years and the guilt is still heavier than what I can bear. I shouldn’t have left him alone, I should have got him help sooner, I should have said “I love you too” but I was half asleep and just smiled and turned back over to go back to sleep until time to go. I’ll never forgive myself!