I have never been able to get over this and forgive myself properly and I probably never will. I have lied about certain things like being evergreen or never kissing someone before, but I actually did. I met a guy at my old workplace and he was 10 years older than me. He gave me a sense of security I had never felt before, maybe because he is much older, or because no guy was ever this nice to me. Perhaps it was my own fantasies and hormones that got into the way but nonetheless, I rejected him from the beginning because we believed in different things and we were of different race.

But he was very persistent, and he never let me rest. I struggled in my workplace, and I guess I eventually found solace in his company. I guess because very old and experienced he was very daring about certain things, and we did a lot of things that I am definitely not proud of, and will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. Our relationship was very physical, and he would lead me into things I did not want to do. I followed him anyway, probably because of my lack of experience or my curiosity.

Anyway, things did not turn out well, because my conscience would always get into the way and he eventually got very bitter and irritated by this. He could never just see me without getting physical, and me rejecting him would result in him isolating me from my workplace, making me want to go back to him, but I left my workplace and things got a lot better.

I was certain I would never want to get together with someone again because I was not only hurt, but I felt unworthy and dirty and unclean from the past experience. I could never admit this to anyone, those who knew about him merely know that we were together, but never about the physical aspect of things.

Somehow, God still chose to forgive me and bless me with someone 6 months later. I could never tell him this past as well because I was afraid that he would leave me after knowing about it. But as time went by, I saw that he was very serious and committed and this scared me. I could never live with not telling him about it, and whenever I saw his gaze when he told me he loved me, I was hurt even more because I know I had done unforgivable things.

I am still very inexperienced, and the very first time we kissed and made out I was timid and unsure. But subsequent times opened me up and he asked me why I was suddenly so good at this. It was then that I knew, that I could not live with this secret to my grave. I continue to struggle with the physical aspect of the relationship, and I always feared that this new guy just wants me for the physical things.

I am imperfect, and soiled, I was held by someone else and was touched by someone else, and I guess I would never be able to come to terms with this. But I’m glad that God gave me this amazing amount of courage to tell you this, and I perfectly understand if you feel hurt, or betrayed, or lied to, and you cannot trust me again, or you refuse to speak to me again, but know that you are different, and I love you because you remind me of God’s love for me, and you make me smile and laugh and tear and cry like no one else can.