4 years
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I started cheating on my bf 2 months into our relationship, I’ve had s** with my ex and I’ve been flirting with old coworkers.
Me and my bf are long distance and I’m 17 while hes 20, I don’t get what I need from him and I’ve expressed it multiple times with empty promises of changing. I broke up with him once but it was a huge chest pain that left me depressed because I’ve shown parts of myself to him that I rarely share, in two more days it’ll be our 5 months together.
I want to be honest with him but I’m going to be selfish and hide it from him, what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him right? I’m going to stop and cut everyone else off and work harder on our relationship because he doesn’t really deserve what I’ve done but I can’t let him go.
I want to blame this all on my past of getting s******* assaulted and almost raped but I know that isn’t an excuse, but he rarely makes me feel like he’s in love with me like I was with him.
I know the age difference isn’t a huge deal but it is isn’t it? Hes in college and working while I’m in my junior year stressing about going to college and working part time to help my family, maybe I’m too stressed but I KNOW I’m 100% a b**** for doing that to him.

New Confession

i injected ketamine into my right deltoid and realized i had no water to drink. by the time i was in the kitchen i was dissociated as hell trying to remind myself im a person in a kitchen trying to get ice cubes and filtered water into my tumbler

it hit much much harder than it did when i tried it in my vastus lateralis. i injected nearly 80mg which is over 1mg/kg for me. im still feeling it a little. apparently the comedown is longer than IV but way less than IN. its 3am now and i have some powder and some sterile solution left in the vial to inject into my vein. ive been trying to get the out of body ketamine experience during my trips but still havent gotten there during my last few for a while now even with needles involved. i was a little closer tonight though, without overwhelming my system or anesthetizing myself

i usually take it once every few months or so. i take medication with a needle every week so im used to them but not used to plunging the bigger thicker ones down deep into my muscle like that. the painful pressure feeling is hard to get used to. and the deep ache that lingers for a few days. i got a little sweaty and lightheaded seeing and feeling an inch of stainless steel sink into my body. there’s that animal instinct part of me that doesn’t want to shove metal into myself and cringes at what im doing but another part too that finds fascination in the sensation and resistance to the needle in the different layers of tissue.

i’ve found it fun and interesting to experiment with all the ways of administering this drug and learning more about my body along the way. exactly where the arteries run down my arms or where major nerves might be hiding.

i dont really have something to finish this off with. it was fun, painful, and interesting. the comedown for IM seems to be 2-3 hours long so far. i stayed up very late to do this. i may augment with nitrous next time.

-108

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