4 years
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my mother caught me watching p*** in the WORST. WAY. POSSIBLE. she borrowed my headphones without telling me and it connected to my phone so coincidentally while i was watching ol’ p**********. i did lie to her about it being the first time i watched it. lucky for me she said that exploring stuff like this was normal and i shouldn’t be ashamed of myself for it, but this feeling of awkwardness is hard as hell to shake off. i feel dirty. really dirty. for watching p*** in general and this is how i get caught doing it. things could’ve been so much different if she just asked me before using my headphones and if i didn’t leave them out like that. why the F*** did this have to happen. honestly the preferred way of letting this out would be going to a confessional or something like that but i guess doing this and talking to thin air works too. i wish there was some more way to make her forget all of this or change the timeline to where this s*** DIDN’T happen. i feel sick and i’m crying idk how long it’s gonna take for all of this to subside

New Confession

i injected ketamine into my right deltoid and realized i had no water to drink. by the time i was in the kitchen i was dissociated as hell trying to remind myself im a person in a kitchen trying to get ice cubes and filtered water into my tumbler

it hit much much harder than it did when i tried it in my vastus lateralis. i injected nearly 80mg which is over 1mg/kg for me. im still feeling it a little. apparently the comedown is longer than IV but way less than IN. its 3am now and i have some powder and some sterile solution left in the vial to inject into my vein. ive been trying to get the out of body ketamine experience during my trips but still havent gotten there during my last few for a while now even with needles involved. i was a little closer tonight though, without overwhelming my system or anesthetizing myself

i usually take it once every few months or so. i take medication with a needle every week so im used to them but not used to plunging the bigger thicker ones down deep into my muscle like that. the painful pressure feeling is hard to get used to. and the deep ache that lingers for a few days. i got a little sweaty and lightheaded seeing and feeling an inch of stainless steel sink into my body. there’s that animal instinct part of me that doesn’t want to shove metal into myself and cringes at what im doing but another part too that finds fascination in the sensation and resistance to the needle in the different layers of tissue.

i’ve found it fun and interesting to experiment with all the ways of administering this drug and learning more about my body along the way. exactly where the arteries run down my arms or where major nerves might be hiding.

i dont really have something to finish this off with. it was fun, painful, and interesting. the comedown for IM seems to be 2-3 hours long so far. i stayed up very late to do this. i may augment with nitrous next time.

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