I am so unbelievably jealous of my younger sister. It feels like everything goes right for her all the time without her even trying. She has tons of

4 years

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I am so unbelievably jealous of my younger sister. It feels like everything goes right for her all the time without her even trying. She has tons of friends and goes to parties all the time yet still manages to have awesome grades. She is super skinny despite the fact that she hasn’t been able to exercise in a while because of an injury and bakes desserts all the time. She never gets in trouble for anything because it’s so incredibly obvious she’s our mom’s favorite kid, and any time she does something that might make our mom mad she’ll just tell a joke and our mom will laugh and completely ignore everything. She’s so incredibly mean and judgmental but our mom doesn’t call her out on it because she’s ALSO super mean and judgmental. She’s constantly criticizing everything I do and any time I try to bring it up our mom will just tell me to deal with it and not be so sensitive. I spent my entire high school career focusing on getting good grades and studying and didn’t have a social life at all. I didn’t get invited to a single party that wasn’t a cast party for a show I was in and was always a bit overweight. It just hurts so much to see my sister get everything she ever wanted and never get in trouble when she’s awful. She makes fun of my interests (which are admittedly a bit on the nerdier side) and makes me feel like an idiot for just enjoying things like theatre, cosplay, DND, etc. She plays basketball (when she’s not injured, obviously) but always insists that she’s not a “basketball girl” (aka super competitive, masculine, etc). By the way, she IS super competitive so that’s all a bunch of bs. She’s always making rude comments about the other girls on her team, and she’s convinced that she and her best friend are the only people there that aren’t “huge lesbos”. She knows I’m not straight and I’ve tried telling her that saying things like that is hurtful, but she always insists that it’s totally fine and that “the lesbos on her team call themselves that too so there’s no problem”. She’ll always be making homophobic comments whenever I drive her and her friends to places and it feels like she doesn’t think I or people like me are real people. Maybe I’m being overdramatic, but I’m moving into my dorm for college soon and I can’t wait to get away from this. Sure, I love my sister and my mom, but it’s going to be a huge relief to not have to deal with this anymore. It’s mean, I know, but I also can’t wait for the day when my sister realizes the world doesn’t revolve around her and finally faces real consequences for being awful. One day she’s going to have to grow up and actually start treating other people with some semblance of kindness and I’m sick of waiting for that day to come.

New Confession

i injected ketamine into my right deltoid and realized i had no water to drink. by the time i was in the kitchen i was dissociated as hell trying to remind myself im a person in a kitchen trying to get ice cubes and filtered water into my tumbler

it hit much much harder than it did when i tried it in my vastus lateralis. i injected nearly 80mg which is over 1mg/kg for me. im still feeling it a little. apparently the comedown is longer than IV but way less than IN. its 3am now and i have some powder and some sterile solution left in the vial to inject into my vein. ive been trying to get the out of body ketamine experience during my trips but still havent gotten there during my last few for a while now even with needles involved. i was a little closer tonight though, without overwhelming my system or anesthetizing myself

i usually take it once every few months or so. i take medication with a needle every week so im used to them but not used to plunging the bigger thicker ones down deep into my muscle like that. the painful pressure feeling is hard to get used to. and the deep ache that lingers for a few days. i got a little sweaty and lightheaded seeing and feeling an inch of stainless steel sink into my body. there’s that animal instinct part of me that doesn’t want to shove metal into myself and cringes at what im doing but another part too that finds fascination in the sensation and resistance to the needle in the different layers of tissue.

i’ve found it fun and interesting to experiment with all the ways of administering this drug and learning more about my body along the way. exactly where the arteries run down my arms or where major nerves might be hiding.

i dont really have something to finish this off with. it was fun, painful, and interesting. the comedown for IM seems to be 2-3 hours long so far. i stayed up very late to do this. i may augment with nitrous next time.

-108

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