I got to lay it down sometime soon. I did not expect to still be going. I am an occasional crystal meth user. I’m 31 and I have been doing it since I was 13. From the time I was 17 till I went to prison when I was 22 I was strung out on the needle and had to have it almost every day to feed the monster. Then I went to prison and dried out and got clean. I was there for 4 years and when I got home it was only about 3 months and I was back on the needle. But that was 5 years ago. I got sober completely from the needle and when I got my head clear about never touching the needle again it was like my entire mindset around using it changed. It was no longer a need or a requirement in my life it was a want to when the time is right. So I began to do a little bit here and there with my buddy and go to three 4 months in between doing it. I would do it and have my fun for the couple of days and then I would come down and go to sleep and wake up and smoke copious amounts of dank hydro and that was enough for me I didn’t feel like I had to go out and get more. It was definitely a change from the monster that I fed for the previous years of my addiction now two years ago my wife and I went through a very bad divorce and I relapsed real heavy and got back on the needle and almost committed suicide but she came and rescued me. I got sober then from everything and didn’t touch it for over a year. But it just seems like no matter how long I go without it every now and again I just have to cut loose and do a little bit. I mean I have done it in one form or another for years. I mean think about it there was a time from the time that I was 14 I started messing with it on an everyday basis and ran away from home and I used it almost every single day until I turned 17. At that time I was hanging out with some cats that had already graduated high school a few years ago and my homeboy Wesley that I had gone to school with. I didn’t know it but them goons were on the needle. And one night I had went through almost two grams and was not where I should have been. So I was bitching and complaining and then finally BB it was like hey man you want to get high and I was like well f*** yeah dude but I don’t have any more s***. It was like don’t worry about that I got you it was like come over here sit next to me and he pulled out a needle and I got scared and I instantly told him I was like now man I don’t like needles I am scared of them. He said dude you won’t even feel it I’ll do it so fast that you’ll be high before I even pull the needle out. He said trust me it will fix that problem of you not getting high so I was fiending and said f*** it I stuck my arm out. And that drastically altered future and a very chaotic and depressing manner quite rapidly. When he got done I giving me that shot and I don’t remember how much he gave me all I remember is I jumped up and started like praising him and telling him thank you man I love you dude I got your back whatever you need like that’s awesome this is the best feeling in the world and then I grabbed a walking stick and ran out the door and took off into the woods for the next 3 hours. It is that span of time that is not in my memory. They laughed so damn hard when I came back because apparently I had my boxers on my head and my shirt was nowhere to be found and I didn’t have shoes on and it was also 40 something degrees outside that night. I have no memory of this. This is the first spot of my memory that goes missing with my drug use. Using the needle gets you higher than the highest you have ever been on the best stuff that you have ever done. It takes you to soaring heights and also stops the ride right at the gates of hell. It is not uncommon to do a shot and your mind go completely blank for the next few hours and it’s like you just fried 3 hours of your life because you’re not going to remember them you’re not even on this planet or in this f****** Galaxy. Nah my dude you have hit Time Warp to an entirely different galaxy. And you dance from star to star gliding through outer space in a euphoric fuzzy full body high. You might as well plan to get comfortable because your flight is not going to land for at least the next two and a half days if it’s some really good stuff. And by that time you’re definitely not going to sleep it’s time to do another shot because you ain’t going to sleep you ain’t ready. You on that needle you got to feed them monster you sleep when it’s absolutely necessary after you can’t possibly go anymore. That’s how my life went on for years. I just started messing with it again recently in the last two years and I have not gotten out of control. This is the first time I have cut loose since about 11 months ago. I don’t do anything when I do, I might stay and destroy my house by I’m bouncing off the walls and spinning through everything like a tornado and I might listen to my music and sing along at the top of my lungs and walk around naked, but I am safe now and I have a list of no-nos. I go I get my stuff I may hit a little bit of it at my homegirl’s house but nine times out of 10 I come directly back to my house and before I do any I’ll go back out and make sure I don’t have to get anything I’ll go to the store and get cigarettes and water and stuff for the come down and Gatorade for electrolytes and bananas for potassium and pickles for pickle juice for the cramps. And I come back home and I lock my door and I blast off Man. I don’t go out running the streets trying to hustle to get more dope cuz I’m coming down and don’t have any money, I’m not out there trying to strip copper and find every way I can to come up with 20 bucks so I can get a bump. I’m not putting myself at risk by being under the influence and driving around high out of my mind when I have no business even being behind the wheel of a vehicle. I did that almost every day for years and it’s a miracle I didn’t end up with a dope case or dead I’m cuz I am not a good driver when I am twacked. I stay in my safe zone I do not leave my yard unless it’s absolutely necessary. I live alone in a camper trailer and it’s just me and my two dogs so I have nobody to act normal around nobody to impress nobody to not freak out with my weirdness and I just cut loose and I completely have the time of my life. I’m bouncing around from one thing to another not able to focus on one or the other. Then I lay down and watch p*** for a little bit and finger bang my prostate and it doesn’t do any good but I jack my little d***. After about 2 days I finally loosen up a little bit and I’m able to come. But I don’t stay stuck all night I get up and move around and I talk to myself and Carry on full blown conversations with myself with answers and arguments and second thoughts. It’s really fun being able to be yourself when you’re not having to be around people. One thing I don’t do is I don’t get paranoid and I don’t get freaked out. I haven’t done that in years. I may or may not go outside but I definitely don’t during the day you got me messed up it’s too hot. But I just stay over here in my trailer and I listen to my music and I’ll write and I’ll play like it’s hard and I’ll act tweaked out of my mind and be as weird and funky and spun as I want to be without bothering anybody or running the roads and getting a dope case. I don’t drive the roads at night looking for somebody’s house to steal something from. You know what I mean I’m not out there. After years of doing it I came to a realization that if I’m doing it now up to this point and I should have quit years ago I’m probably not going to stop. But I have tamed the demon enough through the hellish experiences I’ve had with it through the years. I have learned how to navigate any emotion that happens to me when I’m on it especially during the comedown. I’m calm cool and copesthetic as long as I have some medical grade bud, but if I do not have any weed that is where things can get very dark and very demonic within a matter of an hour. I’m talking about a happy-go-lucky fuzzy I’m not a care in the world euphoric State of mind to if I don’t have marijuana when it starts to drop me off and I lose that feeling instantly everything within me rises up and I am infuriated and I want to kill anything that pisses me off. I have even destroyed the house including everything that I didn’t own that was my roommates. I did some pretty despicable and disgusting things to make money for math I have even had s** with people just to get high. But it’s not like that no more as long as I have marijuana and plenty of it so as a responsible and educated user I make sure I have everything I need for whenever I fall off that ledge and start to drop. I have Gatorade for electrolytes, I start drinking my pickle juice I start downing water after water after water, and I continue to drink water like an elephant until I fall asleep. And then my brain just tells me when it’s time to switch gears and put the landing gear out all of a sudden my mind will go from tweaking to I need to f****** load a bowl of weed or roll a joint or something it’s time. And I shut down the part of my brain that is going to stir up some trouble by trying to get me to go out and get more dope. I’ve learned to say no and shut it off because you cannot let it control you. And that’s what I did for a lot of years I let it control me. I have figured out a way to do the drug and not let it do me. I got high last Wednesday went to sleep Friday morning woke up Saturday morning didn’t get high I woke up Sunday didn’t get high woke up Monday didn’t get high and then I went back out Wednesday and got looped out son. I did a lot this time. I ate 0.3 and I’m going to estimate I smoked at least a gram in two days. And this high is the closest I have ever come to shooting up. I didn’t get the rush I didn’t come in my pants and I didn’t get fuzzy and tingly and stuck. No I ate it and then waited I had already hit the bowl a couple times so I came in here and laid in bed and started taking pictures and playing on the phone and before I knew it I couldn’t even f****** see straight. I should have known better than to eat that much and you say well .03 ain’t s*** but it is when you haven’t eaten any in 2 years and the stuff that you just got is really really good. Nah I should have used my common Sense man and said hell no. But I had nothing to do for the next 5 days and no responsibilities except feeding and watering my dogs and letting them out. So being in my safe environment I indulged. I’m going to tell you I was so out there last night if you did dope and you would have saw me there would have been no changing your mind that I didn’t shoot up. But I didn’t and that’s exactly why I ate it because I knew how it was going to make me feel. As I said before it doesn’t give you the rush and the f****** ecstasy that you feel whenever you put it in your veins but give it about 20 or 30 minutes it’ll sneak up on you and you’ll be floating through the clouds in no time just as high as if you did a shot. I invited a chick over that I know a little bit from the past she said she needed a place to chill so I was like okay. She was sitting on my bed and pulled out a little case and it had two or three needles in it. And I didn’t sit there and feen for one I got scared out of my mind. She said I’m going to shoot up here I said well it’s not like you’re going to ask me anyways I mean I guess it’s okay but I’m going outside and she sat in my trailer for like 45 minutes to an hour and made me wait outside because she couldn’t have anybody around when she did it. So I grabbed my wallet with my social security card tomorrow and yeah I got my birth certificate I got the keys to my mom’s house and I went over and locked my mom’s house and locked her shed and I took my birth certificate and my social security card and all the keys with me and I jumped in my car and went down to my homegirls house. I explained to her what was going on we rode up the road and went and pawned her ring and picked up a little more clear and some weed. Mimi and I talked and the best route was letting her come down off of that initial 20 Mile high in the sky feeling better come back down to the ground a little bit and tell her she’s got to get out of there. So that’s exactly what I did I gave her about 2 hours and I called her and told her that she had to leave and I just told her it was because my mother was coming home and she had to be gone so she had somebody come pick her up I wasn’t mean I didn’t tell her it was because of the needles I didn’t want to hurt her like that because when I was only need to lift somebody but it said oh you got to leave because of the needles it would hurt me and it would have made me a shame to be myself so I kind of handled it with a Little tenderness and compassion and made up an excuse that was a softer easier alternative and did not cause any issues. By the time I got home I came home and everything I was where it was supposed to be she didn’t steal anything which is what I was worried about because I was a klepto when I was on the needle and know exactly what people do when they get on that needle and she is already a proven thief. I have a 500 dollar 9 month old Boston terrier puppy who is my everything in this world and a miniature Chihuahua named Sophie that I’ve had for 4 years now and she is my other everything. I was tripping so hard and thinking she was going to run off with my dogs. I didn’t give a damn if you took anything else in that house I wouldn’t care if she took the TV in the DVD player but if she would have took my dogs out of probably had to find her get my dogs back and handle business. But I prayed and asked God for my dogs to be home and for her to not have stolen anything and wouldn’t you know it even when you’re messing up and not living exactly right God is still there for you he hears your prayers. I got home and was extremely relieved to find that everything I owned was still in my house and she was gone. She tried calling me about 8 hours later wanting to come back over and I ignored her call and blocked her number. And that is the end of that as long as she is on the needle she is not welcome in my life and I have to be that way. It’s the only way I can maintain using on an occasional basis and not touching the needle. I cannot ever ever touch it again. It’s just something that I experienced in my life I felt it every single time I did it so I’m not missing out on nothing and I know where it will take me on a quick fast slippery slope. That may not seem like much to you but I was extremely proud of myself earlier. So was my homegirl meme. Hahaha I have obtained control and conditioned my mind to put a limit on that crazy girl Crystal and set up some boundaries. She don’t run over to me no more I let her know how the cow eats the cabbage. I use her like a little hoe. That’s all she is to me I use her when I want it makes me feel good and then I leave her when I want. I ain’t got no love for her. I have I have the occasional lust for a few wild spirited crazy nights having fun by myself not hurting anybody. But I am no longer interested in staying up for weeks and getting high for days and seeing what I could do every single day to come out with meth. I’m over that I will never let that stuff run me like that again. And you may say oh yeah you’re high now wait, wait for what last month made two years that I’ve been messing with it again. I may do it once a month I may do it once every 3 months but every single time I use my mind has gotten stronger against the devices that the dope uses I am immune now to the fiending process I don’t even fiend anymore. I will be honest there’s a split second when I start to come down that I get angry and then I just verbally recognize out loud so I can hear myself hey dude it’s over it’s over we’re not doing that you had your fun it’s time to come down and lay it down. And if it pops up in my head to use again or I get the urge again I just tell myself over and over nah man we got weed you can’t do that you’ve had your fun we’re coming down whether you like it or not. With weed and the very very hard fought knowledge of the come down process I have mastered the come down and I have made eternal peace with it and it is now the favorite part of the high for me. Cuz when you start smoking that weed and you get a shower get a little plate of food you start drinking water you put a good movie on you relax you got your dogs you’re chilling in the bed you’re f****** blazing down dank…. You are still very much so high but I call it being n*****-headed. It’s like a retarded tweak. The marijuana slows you down to the point of making you retarded haha hence the n word. Sorry I don’t like n******. I have respect for black people but black people and those other heathens are two different species. The ones I call no good n****** are those loser gangster want to be thugs I think they’re hard and run the streets and sag their pants and listen to rap and talking to bionics and think they’re better than everybody especially white people and that they are entitled and they jam that stupid boom monkey monkey boom monkey monkey boom music. Sounds like a bunch of damn baboons hollering over some stupid s***. The ones that ain’t got nothing to give to society and are disease and unwanted pestilence. The ones that don’t contribute anything positive to society the deadbeat dads the career criminals the thieves the gangsters the murderers the deadbeat rap star wannabe. You get those ones that are disrespectful pieces of unwanted waste that do nothing but cause trouble and bring harm to people’s lives and they think they’re cool and hard for doing it. Oh my God anyways no I do not like n******. So when I am saying I’m n*****-headed that’s another way of saying bro I’m still high but I’m so stupid right now I don’t know my head from a hole in the ground. But that’s my favorite feeling out of the entire high.. just fine and dandy and then the next second I’m like zoned out and lala land. And I relax and decompress and let the events of the last 2 days subside while the wire wears off. And then slowly but surely the spun feeling fades and the stone marijuana feeling takes over. I drink a few more bottles of water smoke a couple more cigarettes and take my sleeping medication I turn everything off. And I will sit there on Facebook or whatever I’m doing until my eyes closed and I do not fight it. I just drift effortlessly from being spun out of my mind on some really pure stuff to unconsciousness, and the way that I have structured my come down process now makes it the most enjoyable and easy experience. That I’m going to take a break for a while after I come down this time just to be safe and not do it too much because if I don’t come down now and I go out and use more I’m not going to come down I know myself and I will not allow myself that pleasure. I’m being fine with myself and I haven’t done any in about 3 hours because I used the rest of it. Now I’m just laying in bed listening to music and I have been tweaking telling you this for the last probably hour. I leave you with this. You will have a certain opinion about the fact that somebody uses meth regularly and is okay with it. But that’s okay cuz I won’t judge you for the Suboxone strips you might do or the oxycontins or narcos that you pop, I won’t judge you for the 3 30 packs of beer you drink on the weekend or multiple bottles of whiskey or whatever your drug is if it’s cocaine or heroin everybody’s got advice of some sort and mine just happens to be getting lifted every now and again and staying stoned everyday. I ain’t no different than anybody else. Some people get to the point that I am and then there are others that go well into their sixties and never grasp the concept of self-control and how to maintain without completely letting the drug ruin you. I love the feeling too much to ever let it go so I had to control it. There is nothing in this world more angelic and pleasureful than when you are high out of your mind and spun ducky then being slammed in the a** by your wife’s hand or our d**** that she pegs me with, God and she would just abuse my a** like I was some kind of dope w****. And I don’t care what you say it was the best feeling in the world and she jammed my prostate and all of a sudden I started shooting and oozing volcano of c** out of the end of my d*** yep. So now that she’s gone I have to figure out how to do that myself and it’s not so easy to maintain constant pounding pleasure on your prostate and m********* a dope d***. It just works better if somebody else does the a*** f****** and you worry about jacking that little dope d*** as fast as you can. Yes I am a freak not afraid to admit it. Not gay not bisexual, I am just very open s******* in the bed with a woman haha yeah. I ain’t fixing to let no dude stick his d*** in my b*** I bet you get me a dominant female and I was a nice s******* and I will let me work her magic and bang my a** like a salvation army drum. Because the extreme intensity of the o***** that is created by the process of milking the prostate and jacking your d*** while you are spun it gives you an o***** that is cosmic beyond our grasp of pleasure when we are sober. I don’t really care for a nut when I’m sober I’m just like oh yeah and o***** whatever woohoo it ain’t no big deal but when I’m high it’s hard and as long as it may take me I cannot go to sleep without having at least achieved it one time because that feeling right there is the only reason I have ever continued to use it and will be the only reason I continue to use it in the future on an occasional basis. I just cannot pretend like I would be okay going the rest of my life without that feeling. That’s not me so I’m going to do my thing and maintain. I’m going to get off here now. I’m not super spun I’m very high but I’m not out of my mind right now so I can recollect everything I just said and I wasn’t just rambling everything I said flowed together to make a final point. In the point is this do your thing boo boo we all got a past and we all got a vice. But don’t let that vice dictate how you live your life. Our minds are very strong and very capable of rewriting our neural pathways and changing negative thoughts into positive mindsets. You should check into neuro pathways on YouTube and retraining them it’s pretty interesting. That’s a whole another day though. I’m going to go smoke me a bowl of weed and smoke a cigarette now. I hope I have given you an interesting read. Just know that there are people out there that can do dope and maintain and not have to completely rip off everybody around and ruin their life just to get high. There are functioning addicts and I am one of them and you may be standing right next to me in public while I am out of my mind high but you will never know it. I do not show that when I’m in public I am like an iron Force. Peace out