I am in love with a girl. I am also a girl. But right now I recently got into a relationship with a guy and I still think of her. She’s still in my mind. I wonder if I just got I to a relationship with him because I want to feel loved and I want to be in love. I want to feel normal. I want to feel period. I started smoking again. I wonder if it’s cause I’m so used to turning to that for relief. I wish I wasn’t this way but I am. I don’t feel. There’s so much that I just push down. And now I don’t feel much of anything. I feel myself starting to spiral down that hole again. I don’t want this. I don’t want be this way. I disappoint myself everyday. I’m constantly trying to impress this boy and I’ve made him fall in love and I feel like s*** because I wonder if I do even love him or I just try and imagine he’s someone else. I want to feel wanted because the one I love doesn’t want me. I don’t wanna feel but I do want to feel at the same time. I feel nothing and everything at the same time.
L.