40 y/o f.
I have always been complimented on my inner strength and composure (meaning, I don’t lash out, even when provoked, i.e. I don’t get engage in verbal smack downs, etc.)
This is because I suffered YEARS of emotional abuse from my narcissistic mother-in-law, may she forever be tormented in the pits of Hell.
Anyway, and thankfully she died a few years ago, and now all of this bottled up rags is surfacing.
At 40 years old, and never a frequent drinker my entire life, I’ve turned to alcohol to numb the damage that she did and try and remain the person that everyone always complimented me on being.
I’ve went to therapy and was prescribed a multitude of drugs. You know what, they do the same thing as alcohol, and I don’t have to travel 45 minutes every 6 weeks, pay a specialist fee and whatever else hidden fee they hide for mental health, so I turned to alcohol about 3 years ago, for the first time in my LIFE. And now I’m an alcoholic. I want to stop but I can’t. I saved up money to go to rehab and then a family emergency got our family and I had to tap into that money. My family has no idea I drink in secret. I’m completely functional. I don’t look or sound drunk.
About four months ago I admitted to my husband that I needed “help,” and wanted treatment, but I was so ashamed that it was alcohol, so I lied and said it was benzos prescribed from seeing that therapist so I could blame him. I am NOT on benzos. So he knew and then s*** hit the fan with finances and my family needed the money so I gave my $10K to my husband to keep us afloat.
He didn’t know why I was saving it and he didn’t even know I had it (we keep our finances separate), but there was no way I wouldn’t have given that up for the betterment of everyone else just so I could go to treatment, so I have to continue my alcoholism until I can save again. With the state of the economy and money dwindling I’m not sure I will be able to save enough money to save myself before dying or causing an alcohol related disease that will slowly kill me.
I’d rather die this way than burden my family with health care costs to save me when money is so tight. So I go to bed each night knowing that I am slowly dying.
If my husband knew he would go into debt for me. I won’t do that to him or my children. I pray they know it’s because I love them.