I constantly lie to make myself come off a certain way to the people around me. I gave myself a therapist to make myself seem more vulnerable and I gave myself a heart to make myself seem more trustworthy. I call people up crying when in reality I feel the same as I always do because I know it makes them want to protect me. It makes me seem small, in a way. I lie about certain stories to make myself seem more interesting so people will want to spend time with me and then I lie about the reason I don’t want to when they try. I even learned psychology so I could be better at it because using terms like ‘fear of abandonment’ and ‘trust issues’ makes my actions seem more understandable. More acceptable. I tell people I’m a pathological liar, I don’t try to hide it, but I tell people so they take everything I say with a grain of salt because that way I can tell someone my deepest darkest secrets and they would just laugh them off with me, never reading too deep into it, as long as I said it in a joke-y manner. I’m not sure why I lie about all these things and I’m not sure how to stop. I want to take them back so my friends don’t have such a warped and inaccurate view of me but I know that they would be upset if I did. Mainly concerning the lies that I care about them and that I love them. I’m incapable of feeling those things and I’m not sure why that is either but if I take the others back then the foundation for that one will fall apart on its own. At the end of the day though, I only have one question about all this. What the actual f*** is wrong with me?
