I have PTSD from years of abuse and manipulation. Sometimes I get really bad episodes that leave me a crumpled mess on the floor. I do take medication and

4 years

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I have PTSD from years of abuse and manipulation. Sometimes I get really bad episodes that leave me a crumpled mess on the floor. I do take medication and I have a therapist so I’m able to get through most of them just fine. Except about 6 months ago I went through one of the worse episodes I’ve ever had. It was so hard to do anything for myself. I have one friend that has always been there to support me through this, except during the worst of it she completely ignored me for my roommate. I was reliving my worst moments over and over again while she was chasing tail. Wouldn’t have been a big deal if she at least would try and offer some help, but it felt like 9 years of being each other’s ride or die were just thrown out the window.

It ended up working out, I was institutionalized and put on different meds that seem to work better. She didn’t work out with my roommate, so now I get both of my friends back, but now the same sort of thing is happening to her.

I hate seeing her upset but at the same time, I can’t help but feel a little schadenfreude. And the guilt of feeling this way is eating me alive. Ever since I’ve noticed it, I’ve been pushing her away. I feel like I can’t even help it. I can’t even trust her like I used to, and that doesn’t seem fair at all to her. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose her, but I don’t want to end up hurting her either.

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