I am a raging alcoholic, but I’m also a functional alcoholic, and my family has no idea. Many online communities will tell me, “they know,” but I promise you, they don’t. I’m very good at hiding it and hide behind fictitious mental health diagnoses to pardon my behavior. I even went to see a psychologist to fake a mental illness to get a prescription so my family thinks that’s my actual problem. I never take the medication, just throw it away and refill.
The worst part of this entire nightmare is that it didn’t start until I hit 40. I never touched it before then (with the exception of one glass at a wedding, bachelorette party or whatever). I don’t even like the taste at all.
And now I’m slowly killing myself because I need it to function. I tried going ‘cold Turkey’ and realized this was dangerous, but I can’t go to detox or rehab w/o divulging what I’ve been doing. So here I am, digging my own grave.
I look at my beautiful family and cannot believe that I did this to myself. They will lose me, unexpectedly and then learn the truth.
I have no rhyme or reason as to why I started. I’m introverted by nature, so I guess, in a way, I used it to help me become less inhibited, and then it very quickly spiraled.
I hate myself and if it weren’t for my belief in God, I would have killed myself my now, but I do not want to spend my eternity in Hell.
I don’t know exactly how I got here, and I don’t know how to get out, so I just keep going. My family deserves more than me 100%.
I hope I go quickly and my spouse can find someone, who isn’t like me to make the best life possible for my spouse and children. I don’t deserve them and my spouse can do better.
