Tonight I found surprising truths in a terrible way.

Some up fronts. I am a follower of Jesus, and tonight, now more deeply than ever, I want to follow the Bible. About 8 weeks ago, I tried to quit all s***** sin cold-turkey, despite being addicted. I’m in a family situation where I can’t even imagine what would happen if they knew. Family has helped others through things like this, but in the process, they did it in a way that gave them all the control, power, and glory. To confess to anyone who knows me would be to subject myself to that kind of manipulation and sin. I just don’t see how I can do that. But I also don’t see how I can continue on the road I’m on. With God’s help, this has to end.

In a moment of poor judgment, I saw an opportunity alone in my life to experiment “just one more time”. Previously, I had finally (rather logically) laid out a confession that helped me finally overcome s***** sin. I recognized some patterns in my life, spelled out the logical consequences of those patterns, and on many occasions, just by reading those confessions to myself, “past self” was able to talk “blinded self” out of a bad situation. But unfortunately not (entirely) tonight.

I decided to go to a s*********. Why? I wanted to observe mostly. I set some mental boundaries, and I stuck to them. I was offered all kinds of things tonight that I turned down, whereas previously I may have participated. It’s the only encouragement I see in an otherwise devastating night. I was willing to go and look but not touch, and that’s what I did. I know that it wasn’t complete victory, because I degraded women with my thought life. I know that we are all spiritual and eternal beings, and that (similar to a popular CS Lewis quote) everybody either becomes something so splendorous that you’d be tempted to worship them, or something so corrupted that you can barely stand to look. And because of that I never should have allowed me to convince myself that looking “just this once” as part of an “experiment” would be ok.

So on to the observations. I came in the door, and instantly two girls began soliciting me to get “upgraded” in a variety of ways. It was friendly but transactional, and they were making the assumption that I viewed this place as a fantasy land where anything could come true. I literally had to say no around 12 times and convince them I just wanted to sit and have a drink. One of them grew frustrated 10 minutes into negotiations and just left. The other continue to push for something. I told her at one point that I had no desire to touch her or any other girl. She just looked at me dumbfounded and said “you’re weird!”. I eventually had to try and tip her something to get her to leave, and she became angry that I wouldn’t pay exorbitant amounts of money for touching, and cussed me out and walked away, realizing she was unable to control or convince me.

Proverbs talks about how dangerous the road is through s***** sin that leads to hell. Tonight I felt it. Tonight I realized that if I didn’t believe God was watching, I could’ve done and been anyone I wanted, and maybe no one would’ve known. I also remembered when Jesus talks about the world hating you (believers). I think maybe the first girl sensed the lack of power she had to convince me and it frustrated her, and that’s why she became angry. All of this is strangely encouraging to me, because when you’ve been on a secret path like this for so long, you begin to believe you’re a lost cause. Tonight I saw evidence of power within me to resist. Now if I would just resist according to His truth and not my own. And recognize that missing the mark costs the one I love most quite dearly. It’s also so humbling that, in my worst moments, He will still show Himself faithful in these ways, and show evidence that He’s still pursuing me.

Thus, I have to pursue Him. Going to a s********* actually convinced me more fully that God is real, and the Bible has revealed God to us. Sometimes I think I was too sheltered in life, and missed chances to process life as it really is so that I can see the world clearly the way Scripture does. I would never want anyone that I love to try these experiments, but somehow Rom 8:28 comes true through them. But also, Rom 2:1-4 are a caution over them. I literally presumed upon His forebearance tonight, not knowing that His kindness leads to repentance. God forgive me. I know you’re there, I know you’re worth serving. Give me your grace and resolve to finally end this. Help me know how myself and other men in this world can stop the system that creates environments like what I saw tonight. The girls were hollow, hurting in clear ways, some of them didn’t even know it or why. Maybe some were truly happy, I can’t know these things. God knows. But I was convinced that many would’ve rather not been there. If certain traumas in life, or certain relationships had gone differently, I might’ve not met them this evening.

All I know is that every flavor of s***** sin is leading me to the same empty cistern. God help me clearly resolve this time and let it truly end today. I thank you for the renewed power and freedom from s***** b****** I’ve felt in the last 6-8 weeks. I want more of you and less of the broken cisterns. I’m dry and thirsty, and nearly too prideful to just drop in front of you and let you bandage my wounds. Yet you offer it. Tonight I accept it. Let me not presume upon the grace I received tonight. Give me strength to be the man you’ve asked me to be in this life, no matter how difficult and what suffering comes.