Yet here you are, unwilling to ever let my thoughts mutter or reminisce unless it be about you. you are a curse that I can’t bring myself to hate. A curse I adore and live for; one that fills my lungs with air and lets my blood run through my veins. You are what brings me joy, what brings me life. A day without you is not a day at all but a nightmare. A day in which my mind shuts off and I am unable to speak, to hear. A day where I feel myself suffocating in your absence. And it’s worse when I am right beside you, but you render me invisible. when I’m stuck behind you holding onto your hand for dear life, squeezing so that you can remember that I exist, so that you can spare me a glance that I can replay in my mind before I sleep. clutching onto my pillow and convincing myself its you. Pretending that you wouldn’t recoil from my desperate touches, that you wouldn’t shove me away the moment I hang on too tightly, too roughly. That you wouldn’t run the moment you see that I live and breathe for you and hide away the moment you find me clinging onto you for dear life, taking all that happiness from you like fire does oxygen. Because we are not opposites, and we are not identical. we are something that would birth into chaos and distress. We are something that turns knuckles white and throats purple. We would be abusive and unorthodox, something that’s the opposite of romance. We would be forced and unhappy and I would convince myself that life with you is paradise. But life with you would be hell and just like every other time the moment you decide to love me back and make this love true, will become the day I grow to hate and reject you. The day I recoil from your loving hands and back into the empty hands of loneliness.