I’m an adult running out of time to truly become active in my own life and live, but I suspect the biggest problem is I’m unmotivated and have a loser

4 years

283 Views

I’m an adult running out of time to truly become active in my own life and live, but I suspect the biggest problem is I’m unmotivated and have a loser mentality- I don’t think I’m capable or good enough which is sometimes reasonable and sometimes not- and I think this more so than my age is possibly the reason I haven’t fully realized whatever practical abilities I hope I have or had more success in life (any area). I’m afraid it’s too late to marry but when I was younger, I was pretty sure I wasn’t marriage material and couldn’t compete in the dating market. To clarify, I wasn’t an impolite or cruel/selfish person I just didn’t really having anything to offer a partner and I wasn’t mentally/emotionally mature enough (mix of being naïve/poor boundaries & confidence and also distinctly afraid of people/communicating with people). I’m afraid I can’t do anything better than what I do now but probably not where I should retire. Where I work is pretty decent employment even though I’ve been passed over for promotions repeatedly, know I won’t be promoted there (while sincerely wondering if there’s a valid reason I’m not seeing- because there could be), and although I’m one of the strongest employees based on feedback I struggle often and not in the way that promotes growth. I’m actually afraid of almost everything and am on edge when I’m outside of my place and tired/unmotivated when I get home. I’m undisciplined and unmotivated and although I’d like to change these 2 things there’s nothing that feels worth putting in the work. I only want to relax and unwind (bonus would be to have a better functioning mind-it’s all ideas/thoughts and crossed wires in there). Pretty sure I’ve made a mistake living this long and never giving up, but I’m also ashamed for wasting the amazing opportunities that previously have been or currently are available.
I wish to be closer to a version of myself I’d respect/value, but along with not fully knowing what that looks like to me (although I’ve thought about and written down my ideals/values/goals, I’ll lose interest and question if it’s what I actually want), nothing motivates me to maintain consistent behavior to even approach my ideal and I will pay dearly for this distinct lack of discipline, and already have many times in life. That also scares me, and yet I’ve either been too strong to fully quit or too much of a coward to fully quit. Honestly sometimes I just didn’t want people to see my place a mess and just put quitting off until later after I could clean up.
Whew…nice to get that off my chest and sorry for the length.

New Confession

I have worked hard to be the person I am. I have a management position at my place of work. I began there after covid and until recently enjoyed working with the franchise.

I don’t attend company functions or socialize with others at work keeping it completely business like. No one there really knows much about my family other than what little things I have revealed.

At the beginning of the year another woman was hired. Not in my department but in the same company. I never need to even talk with her. Our company requires us to use a payroll app for HR type functions such as scheduling work shifts, days off etc. This app has some social media type features and recognizes birthdays and work anniversaries for other employees totally violating my privacy.

This woman noticed our birthdays were within days of each other. She somehow decided to dig for information about me. Probably from the countless online databases. My daughter stopped in from college as the semester ended to make some financial transactions I needed to have notarized.

This woman chatted a minute and learned she was 20. I am 34 and did the math. Rumors spread like wildfire. Ok I had her while 14. I love her dearly. I had support of my family. Raised her, continuing my education and later raising her as a single mom.

Now I dread going to work because I feel I’ve lost confidence in my position there. It was never a secret among my family and friends and others I went to school with but now I feel like I’m being judged by these people that don’t even know us.

Related Confessions

I am 41 and married. For the past several months, I have been having innocent lunches with a younger guy who calls on our company. Last month after lunch he said he needed to stop at his motel to pick up some packages he needed to mail. It was hot so he offered to leave the car running or I can go in and watch TV while he prepared the packages so I went in with him.. Once he finished the packages he turned and casually kissed me, but it quickly became very passionate and we ended up on the bed. I told him I didn’t want to do anything, but he ran his hand up my skirt quickly finding what he was interested in. I told him again I didn’t want to do anything but after another passionate kiss and what he was doing he embraced me saying it didn’t feel like I wasn’t interested in doing anything I told him that wasn’t it but that I couldn’t because I wasn’t on birth control and my husband had had a vasectomy and I didn’t want to take a chance of getting pregnant but by that time he had gotten me extremely aroused so I told him if he used a condom I would. When he said he didn’t have one I asked him why he would get me in that condition and not be prepared. All it took for him to convince me to have unprotected s** was to say he would buy me a morning after pill This s** was incredible with me having a massive o***** when I felt him c****** inside me. After that then stopping to get the Plan B making up the excuse for why I was an hour late getting back to work from lunch wasn’t very convincing so I took a lot of ribbing from the other girls in the office. Then a week later when my period was due it didn’t come. I figured the pill had messed up my cycle but after another week I took a pregnancy test and despite taking the Plan B, I had gotten pregnant I haven’t told him yet but I’m going to need his help in getting an abortion to save my marriage.