I am going to raise this child, stay in my marriage, do the right thing. Hopefully it all turns out ok, once they’re grown and (hopefully) moved out I will finally commit suicide and end my life. Nothing worked out the way it was supposed to, nothing went my way ever, my lifelong passions are things I didn’t excel at and I continue doing them now because it’s all I know. This is no life. I thought finding a woman and getting married could give me something good in my life, instead I am just now at the mercy of her mother who makes all the big life decisions for us, and a good friendship with next to no physical intimacy besides her giving it up one time so she could get pregnant. I know we are finished with that, it will never return, I only hope I am allowed to keep it at one kid and hope she never wants another one. I like looking at p*** and the occasional anonymous dirty chat with females online, loads of women I know who I’d very much like to have s** with, but I really don’t want to cheat or even pursue that avenue of things as I know it will ultimately just make things even worse for me than they already are. I think death is the only reasonable answer for an escape, only after I raise this kid and hopefully don’t ruin their life. I’m very good at faking it til I make it and that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. Though I’m never gonna make it, just gonna fake it……