I am not a bad person.
I like watching people die. I like watching pedestrians get hit by cars, and I like watching skydivers smash into cliff faces. I like watching employees at a factory get their hands stuck in a machine and have their whole arm get devolved.
On long and warm nights, I contemplate the way that the woodchipper grabs the hair and tends the scalp from the skull. I savor the mental image of seizing patients and old women sweating blood and young men screaming in paint as they slip away in a struggle.
I often think about someone crawling on a concrete floor, dragging their guts behind them in a body trail after being tun over by a train and dying four yards away.
I daydream about political prisoners being blindfolded and held by the jaw as their necks are sliced with a boning knife, I practically fantasize about the way their blood bubble as they breathe through their open throats like a deep red creek in a rainstorm.
When I was 10, adults on the internet showed me pictures and videos you couldn’t find anywhere else- unbelievable things that felt wrong to see. I saw a man’s face flat like a pancake over a pulverized mass of grey matter which used to be his brain after jumping off a building. I saw men cut girls tongues out and hold their heads back to make them drown in their own bloody spit. I saw bodies in the woods, once inhabited by mothers, lovers, sons, being eaten by birds and housing a colony of maggots.
I crave the taste of flesh and fat. I want to sink my teeth into eyeballs and pop them. The sound of bullets ripping through ribcage is like wind chimes in the spring to me.
I do not feel sorrow for killers. Mass shooters. Torturers, rapists, destroyers of lives. I live all their sickest fantasies.
And I have a sister I go to get snow cones with in the summer, and a dog that loves me unconditionally, and a mother that cares for me. I have hands that can kill, but they choose to create.
I choose goodness. I choose compassion. I choose charity.
And I choose not to let my mind twist my actions.