Hello I want to talk about something really serious that I have never told anyone in my life, SA This is not a typical story I was the one who did it I

4 years

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Hello
I want to talk about something really serious that I have never told anyone in my life, SA
This is not a typical story
I was the one who did it
I was also the younger one
I have a cousin (we are both girls I’m 16 now, she’ll soon be 18)
I don’t even know when it started
I was around 6,7,8 I think I really can’t remember certain age
It kinda started with me finding out about p*** but not typical p*** like it was just women showing b**** and stuff like that
So I started asking her to play boyfriend and girlfriend where I would be boyfriend and she would take her top off and sometimes p******.I didnt touch her in stimulation way (I had no idea about s** like that)I think we kissed too. Im sorry if this is gross I’m really sorry I just have to say it to someone.She would sometimes say she doesn’t want to play that but I would be like oh common let’s do it and we would.That also happened with 2 of my neighbours (theres was no u********* with them, one of them I’m jot friends with since like 2015; they’re both younger btw; she is even shyer than me,never really wants to great me but she wished me happy birthday last year which is making me thing that I gave her some trauma bc, I don’t know its weird, the other one doe, Im really good friend with today) There was never physical force.It lasted for some time and then stopped. I guess I became aware of how bad that was.I was in 3rd or 4th grade and It was time for my first Communion so every week we would have Church religion classes to prepare for it.One day theme was 6th commandment and for the first time in my life I heard the word “p**********” and found out what that actually is. I’m also guilty that I don’t remember every detail of this because its only making things worse.Me and my cousin were very close so It didn’t make a huge problem back then not until like 2019 when we stopped hanging out.We were kinda hanging out but not close at all.She was like treating me different,she chose not to be close with me.Then summer 2020 we start texting again and kinda talking.But still were not that close.Before 2019 we were still pretty close.Theres also this one friend which I went to school with for 9 years I introduced them to each other in 6 grade and now they are something like best friends, never hanging out with me.My cousin also goes out every weekend clubbing and never inviting me.Keep in mind I rarely go anywhere bc I don’t have many friends + my parents are strict on that.She treats me like she’s out of my league to be precise. But she’s happy today and that’s what matters. To go back to the story I wish we were closer and I just think that the main reason were not is our past.Its just weird bc we were so close for so long even after that but still it may be that she realized it too as she grew up.I feel so f****** bad for everything.That is one thing I regret the most in life.I wish I could go back in time and never do anything like that.I feel like monster.I feel horrible.Every second day I cry myself to sleep bc I was f****** assaulter. I find SA disgusting and its ridiculous today but knowing that I did something like that too makes me feel horrible and disgusting.I will never forgive myself. I Can’t trust people, I can’t let myself love anyone. Because I feel like I’m lying to everyone and keeping that from them. But it’s just not something to say or confess so casually.Plus I’m naturally shy person and nobody would expect something like that.I know that after all of this u might hate me, as you should.I hate myself too. I regret this everyday. Its the worst thing I’ve done in my entire life. I’m sorry cousin, for everything I’ve done to you.

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