//TW: s//lf h//rm I have not a clue why I’m back here to talk about this but alas. I’ve been fantasizing about self harming yet again. I’m 2 and a half

4 years

432 Views

//TW: s//lf h//rm

I have not a clue why I’m back here to talk about this but alas. I’ve been fantasizing about self harming yet again. I’m 2 and a half months clean but something triggered me to remember self harming and make me want to go back. I’m lucky I have a forgetful mind because the only reason I’ve been able to really get rid of the urge to harm myself is to expel it from my mind, think about something else, hyperfixate on an interest or another thing. I saw my scars were fading so now we’re back here again. I don’t even know if I really want to be clean anymore. In a sense, I’m safely doing non-suicidal self injury. I don’t want to die, I just want to hurt and that isn’t directly affecting anyone but me. I don’t even really really want to see it because I use it as punishment. I just want to hurt. Simple as that. I want to relish in the pain and watch the blood. I wish I could cut to bone and watch everything pour out. But I don’t want to die. I suppose I just have a sort of infatuation with it. Not an attraction (I don’t have any sort of nasty gore kink), but just a sort of want. I want to see the scars on me; I want to look in the mirror as my scars are angry pink and never fading and absolutely covering my arms. I want to be a walking example of tortured pain. I would never wish this on someone else, but when it comes to me, I feel as though it’s almost like it’s fun to hurt. I feel gross for even thinking of such things. Alas, I think I’ll just try to stay clean for everyone else’s sake.

New Confession

3 dead in Montreal

The C in Canada is for Crime

Related Confessions

I am 41 and married. For the past several months, I have been having innocent lunches with a younger guy who calls on our company. Last month after lunch he said he needed to stop at his motel to pick up some packages he needed to mail. It was hot so he offered to leave the car running or I can go in and watch TV while he prepared the packages so I went in with him.. Once he finished the packages he turned and casually kissed me, but it quickly became very passionate and we ended up on the bed. I told him I didn’t want to do anything, but he ran his hand up my skirt quickly finding what he was interested in. I told him again I didn’t want to do anything but after another passionate kiss and what he was doing he embraced me saying it didn’t feel like I wasn’t interested in doing anything I told him that wasn’t it but that I couldn’t because I wasn’t on birth control and my husband had had a vasectomy and I didn’t want to take a chance of getting pregnant but by that time he had gotten me extremely aroused so I told him if he used a condom I would. When he said he didn’t have one I asked him why he would get me in that condition and not be prepared. All it took for him to convince me to have unprotected s** was to say he would buy me a morning after pill This s** was incredible with me having a massive o***** when I felt him c****** inside me. After that then stopping to get the Plan B making up the excuse for why I was an hour late getting back to work from lunch wasn’t very convincing so I took a lot of ribbing from the other girls in the office. Then a week later when my period was due it didn’t come. I figured the pill had messed up my cycle but after another week I took a pregnancy test and despite taking the Plan B, I had gotten pregnant I haven’t told him yet but I’m going to need his help in getting an abortion to save my marriage.