When my fiance Lee died, I was 26. We had been best friends since age 10 and did not start dating until I was 20 and in college. Considering how abusive my stepfather and mothers marriage was, my fiance always consistently made me feel safe and was very much a shelter in the storm. Reliable and protective in a way that I never had to worry about anything. I was very naieve to how much my fiance was worth or that they were one of the top ten wealthiest families in America. I’ve met people with money but never anyone so generous towards me: emotionally, physically, financially, s*******. Would go to pay a bill for a class or utility bill and it has already been paid. It is rare to meet anyone who ‘sees your need, and meets your need,’ without even having to ask. My fiances death, was interpreted by my body as hearthreaking pneumonia over the loss of my 16 year companion. For 5 years in a row I continued to catch pneumonia on the day that my fiance died like clockwork. Until I found out from working with a group of monks to heal in the mountains of San Francisco I had to face a deep grief known as survivors guilt for still being alive. After that, I never caught pneumonia again. Fast forward to the pandemic and a man from mainland China comes off the plane directly into our spa in Jan of 2020, the owner who never gets sick, like once every 4 years went down like the titanic. Then I went down for two weeks but recovered quickly. In the process the blood banks were having shortages and offered to pay me $100 a pint because a lab out of State wanted to use my juice for making serum for cancer and transplant patients. Without the serum neither can get treatment or transplants and die. The irony, the loss of
a great love and all those years of being sick in fact made me immune to CoVid. I buried a family member this week, and have been feeling under the weather. My left lung hurts and I am coughing with a mild fever, I wonder if this is it? I have been on here on this planet existing without the love of my life and best friend for 22 years and I am tired.

Beyond family, I have learned you can expend a lot of energy cano one really cares about your emotional, physical or financial well being they are too selfish. I think about all the people we have helped along the way and not one of them has cared to check in on me or my family to see if we are alright. What a waste of kindness, and sometimes when I go to sleep at night and close my eyes, I secretly hope not to wake up. To leave the cruelty of this world behind and wake up in the arms of the one person in my entire life that not only loved me in words, but in deed consistently. Thank you for being my love light in the darkness of this world. Sweet dreams my love.