Idk if im in a manic state rn, but i feel strangely happy even though i’m otherwise very depressed. I want to run somewhere or like drive around but it’s late at night. I drew a really hot girl today and like i’m even more convinced I’m gay now. I feel drunk even though I’m not, like if i was to go up to a person rn I’d sing them a song or sum. I also don’t feel bad about my body at all even though I usually hate it with my whole brain. I really want to draw men in p****** and lingerie. It’s so hot. Dude I just really wanna peg a femboy or sum s*** and then have him eat me out and then I’d make him watch a movie and we’d be happy together. If i get diagnosed with bpd on tuesday I’m buying $100 worth of primogems for xiao. XIAO BANNER ON TUESDAY. See I’m spewing all this nonsense and in like half an hour I/m going to feel incredibly depressed. I really hope I don’t cut myself again because the minor cuts on my left arm are almost healed and I really don’t want my psychiatrist to find out that I Sh during our first meeting on tuesday. Though I fucked that up like 3 days ago because my right arm was almost healed and I cut again and they’re not going to heal in time. Hon estly nothing feels real right now. Last time somethign didn’t feel real to me I had to slice open my right forearm a little so that I knew there was still blood inside of me. Then I wrote a whole a** letter to my mental illness or brain or whatever on google docs,it helped a lot and then I f****** laughed at ratio memes for a good 30 minutes. For the first time in a while I dont want to kill myself and I hope this lasts more than an hour. Maybe I should go to walgreens -fungywungy