That’s why you won’t ever get an answer or reason to live from her. From the sounds of it you don’t seem of any remote importance aside from buying content. Grow up and find a reason on your own. From the sounds of it you don’t have a relationship with her. You just sound like sad stalker who bought content and figured out you won’t get the real thing. You are a sad virgin with terrible anger issues. She doesn’t need to give you a reason to keep moving forward. You need to do that. You are a grown as man looking to be coddled and bowed down to. You have a sad god complex. That’s why you are still living with your mother and a virgin. It’s so exhausting. Reading what you write makes me dry. Just get over yourself man. She’s not interested, she’s not yours. Only in your sick mind she’s yours. You are living in a sad little fantasy world and not realizing reality. You said you didn’t want her and now you do and then you don’t. Just drop it man. You sound like a broken record.