Couple of things on my mind.
We talked about her last night. I expressed how inferior I felt. I asked why me, why not her? He said she wasn’t who he thought she was. She wasn’t empathetic. She didn’t have a big heart like I did. She played games.
I’d take this to my grave but I’m still insecure. She was so much more interesting, creative, and beautiful than I was/am. I’m thinking to myself..why did you see her as a better option at the time? What is the real, one hundred percent true reason?
He wrote this poem he swears wasn’t about us but I know it was. It was about stagnation and codependency.
What changed? Am I just the safest option?
It doesn’t really matter and I would never torture him with these questions.
He’s my best friend. My worries are all ego. I know he loves me. But the wounded child in me wants to understand.
Sometimes you just have to trust..or don’t.
One Christmas I went to a family member’s house. We were both friends with this girl at the time. We seemed to agree she wasn’t a good fit for us..that she might be doing something unsavory. She seemed to be trying to drive a wedge between us.
But..when I came back..he was saying how wonderful she was and was angry at me when I expressed doubts about her intentions. So I, too, began to doubt myself.
That’s when I found the poem, and another romantic one about her.
I found out much later they kissed.
And I wonder, what changed? We were in a weird relationship limbo so I don’t consider it cheating. But what hurt more than anything was he confessed feelings for her right after we made love and hadn’t in a long time.
I don’t ever let him know how much that devastated me. I never would. He knows, anyway.
I can’t fully comprehend or remember when the turnaround happened. I don’t know that he understands either, but she’s been out of our lives in a very unceremonious way for a very long time.
We were both so young and had a lot of growing up to do.
The questions haven’t eased in my mind, but most of the time I don’t think about it.
Maybe that is best.