F***! After days and days of clarity and wisdom, The madness is taking me AGAIN. I can’t stop it from returning, but I won’t let it defeat me. Just because my symptoms have returned, doesn’t mean I’m powerless. I wrote down my subconsious insights, I have no excuse. I will prove them wrong. I can change. I can be a good person. I am worthy of love. I am capable of compassion. I am capable of healing. I have to keep fighting through the fog instead of using it as an excuse. I won’t let everyone down. Not again. I want to be loved. I want them to be proud of me. I want them to feel safe around me. Tommorow is a new day. I can’t dwell on these failures like this, I just have to keep moving forward and doing better, no matter what happens. I had an entire post wrote up that was toxic as f*** and I deleted it instead of posting it and now I’m posting this. Im not f****** doing this anymore. I have to go back to heavily-limiting my internet use. It’s the only way I can stop myself from doing things that make me and everyone else hate me when I’m in the middle of a flare. It’s not ok that I did what I did tonight, but I realize that, and it upset me so much, that just like before, I’ll be able to catch the impulse in it’s track next time and ring it’s neck before it gets anywhere near disturbing you. I’m sorry.

I’m trying so hard. I just need more time. It’s hard work rebuilding yourself piece by piece when you’re lonely and depressed and unable to focus on anything because your brain is chronically understimulated. But I’m not weak. I’m not giving up. I’ll keep trying to do better. I’m sorry I can’t just fix myself all at once like I want to. I’m sorry I keep failing to hold on to that guy you fell in love with, but he’s not real. He’s a fairy tale. A cryptid. He never sticks around for very long, just long enough to remind me how defective I am. You see, that guy has none of the problems I do. He’s the peak version of me, the version of me who isn’t suffering from constant executive dysfunction. I’m having to tackle these issues one by one, and I have a lot of issues. I will break this cycle of abuse even if it kills me. I’m gonna get a 6 month supply of psi so I can go back to being a decent human being again. I can’t keep living like this. This brain fog is a f****** nightmare. I’m so sick of shooting myself in the foot when I’m 2 feet from the goal. Id rather microdose psi for the rest of my life if it lets me be a normal f****** human being and stop being a toxic mentally ill p************. I have to get my momentum back. I’ve already spent too long falling today, I have to get up f****** now. I can’t see the road ahead of me anymore, but I won’t f****** turn back. I’ve gone too far to turn back.