I was watching a movie and there was a wedding and the couple was standing there happily married and I thought to myself, “I want to get married.”
I felt so content in that idea until I realised that it wasn’t my boyfriend’s face I saw in my head. It was my friend. And it was so awful, not because I felt bad about wanting to marry somebody else, it was because my friend was killed last year.
Him and I had a complicated relationship. We weren’t just good friends, we were intensely attracted to each other, which caused problems between me and my boyfriend. I don’t know exactly where he stood, but eventually I did tell him that “it’s more than just physical for me”.
He said that he was really attracted to me but didn’t want to date anyone at that time and besides, I still had a boyfriend. I asked him what would happen if I didn’t, and he said he didn’t know. I think he never gave much thought to the possibility that it could go further because it wasn’t relevant.

I know he wasn’t in love with me, I just think there was more there waiting to be uncovered, a potential future, the beginnings of something, you know? But I loved him. It was so obvious that I loved him that everyone around me asked if I did and I always said no. But I realise now that I did love him. I still do and I always will.

I just don’t know where that leaves me now.