I’m the same person who cut open their leg and stitched it back together yesterday. tonight I took blood from my arm like a nurse does, and I injected it into my thighs to make little bruises. they look so pretty and delicate, I love the way the skin swells from the stagnant blood underneath it, filling up the insides of my flesh. I’ve had my blood taken many times and each time it makes me feel so floaty and fuzzy in the loveliest way. it’s s***** for me, but it’s also so much more than that. I feel closer to god when I see myself taken apart. I love seeing my own blood, I wish I could see my inner organs without dying. arterial blood is so dark. I really wish I could pysch myself up enough to cut my arm down to the artery. I’ve almost done it before when I was drunk and my skin was softened from a warm bath, but not quite. the scar was underwhelming because I ended up treating it a bit too well, it looks much smaller and shallower now than it did when it was fresh. very disappointing since it was the deepest cut I had made so far.
it’s strange, I can put stitches and needles into my skin like it’s nothing, but actually cutting my skin is much more difficult. I don’t like the slow slicing motion, my brain stops me from doing any real damage. if I want to do anything I have to do very quick slashes into my skin. it’s not the pain, I can stand the pain just fine. I often like it. it’s just my brain knowing that it’s my own flesh I’m cutting into, and stopping me from doing it. being drunk helps, but I’m not lightweight and it’s tedious to get drunk every time I want to feel this way.
I’ll keep posting updates here, I’d love to start a fucked up blog of some sort like the blowfly girl. if I do, I’ll post a link here.