i love my boyfriend, i do, but i’m not sure if i love him like that. don’t get me wrong… it’s not like i’m playing him for a fool and KNOW i don’t like xem.
it’s just difficult. sometimes they’re NOT my favorite notification. sometimes he yucks my yum. their responses feel lackluster and i don’t know if our conversations are fulfilling sometimes. i’m constantly worried i’ll f*** it up and ruin everything. i’ve never gotten butterflies or cried over it.
but on the other hand, they’re my first thought in the morning. everything reminds me of him, in a good way. my first thought when i see something cool is to show them. remembering fun times with xem makes me giggle like an idiot because *wow*, my partner makes me so happy. all i want is to give him a BONE CRUSHING hug and hold it for the next hundred years. spending late nights on the phone together, just goofing off in-game or talking while one of us cleans or plays a game, existing in the same space even though we’re thousands of miles apart. my plans for the next few days are just to spend a movie night together, watching a horror movie or something cute. i’m planning for us to meet up soon, in the next few months, because man i like this idiot so much.
maybe the fear is intrusive thoughts. this is my person, and i love my person so dearly. can’t help but feel guilty when i get a “MORNING!!” text and can’t send back the same energy, though. or when they talk about an interest and i feel so bland towards them. sometimes it feels like i can’t be in a stable relationship, with anyone or with them. but god i want to so bad.