idk, you have a Male librarian quality about you, no? it’s a quiet solemn presence that a younger woman would only want to run from. you may have to find one who is down on her luck, trash. .used. maybe one who has a child because then she might appreciate you for your rescuing qualities, not for fun. you need to be more fun. you’re weird. weird is not fun. it can be creepy in an older man. good s** is good if you can get that thing up and keep it up. lay off the drugs. find a young desperate girl such as this. those young girls you swoon over, they would drop you like a hot plate if you didn’t frequently supply them with drugs. there is a difference in being sucked into having a drug plug than actually being infatuated with the man who supplies your drugs. he could be anyone. find a desperate down on her luck young girl who will get healthy, be whole, not a high, drunk, young s***. have s** always. let her take care of you while you do quiet brainiac things like keep your nose in your computer and books. take her on vacations. who knows, maybe you’ll be happy. you can spend your time writing down and reading deep thoughts only, never going farther than what you’ve read and seen. you are going to die a strange drunk man the way you are going. people will tell stories about the time you gave them all the coke. nothing more.