…this is probably stupid. When I was a kid I did my best to cut myself off from my own emotions. Various reasons, none of which seem good in hind sight. I was never abused. I dealt with only the most minor of bullying in school, better than a lot of people. I have amazing friends and family. A good life. A damn good life I am grateful for. But I just didn’t fit. With my extended family, my peers, my community, society in general, I don’t even know. I was just…odd. And I started to worry everyone. I didn’t want to worry anyone. So I put on a mask. I just buried anything real under the sand and packed it down as tight as possible. I hit a low point and even contemplated suicide, but it just wasn’t an option. If I killed myself, I wouldn’t be affected. I’d be dead so what fucks would I have to give? My family on the other hand would have been demolished. I couldn’t be responsible for that. So I kept going one foot in front of the other, living as a shade while doing my damnedest not to let anyone realize. I didn’t realize how much damage I’d managed to do to myself until college. Until I started having trouble eating, thinking, or reacting, and eventually drove myself to pass out. I’m currently working on fixing it. Responding to things how I actually feel about things, not giving the “correct” response. But I’ve been playing with a series of masks and established automated responses for so many years I don’t know how anymore. I don’t even recognize when I’m feeling something until it overflows and I snap. So how do I teach myself how to feel again? How to be real again, when it feels like I’ve killed off so much of my own person. How the f*** do you resurrect a soul that’s been dormant or dead for at least six years, probably more? I don’t even remember exactly when I started this.
…I guess I just needed to say it.