After the summer parish camp experiences in the community shower, I naively and desperately hoped it was just a bad memory and life could go back to mormal. Not like I could avoid being around the priest because I was too heavily involved in parish activities that I tried to passably start extricating myself from. I realize it was my own paranoia making me feel that way but it felt like the priest was always staring at me and that everyone knew my filthy secret. I felt fouled and reeking of sin for real. Try as I might I could not make myself forget how I had let myself be used by either priest in the shower room, much less both of them. I told myself it was my iwn fault for being weak. I tried to convince myself I had failed a test from God, literally, and was torn because I was still feeling spirituality at the time and trying to walk a clean path. But that is what my self inflicted religious delusions got me. I managed to avoid the situation for most of the rest of the summer and simply tried to feel some level of normalcy and sanity. I had almost gotten there when it all came apart. There was a parish school board meeting one Saturday morning and when it adjourned the priest asked me to stay after to further discuss a couple of topics. I tried to politely avoid it but in front of the entire board the optics of refusing his request would have been pretty bad. When everyone else had left the priest suggested we talk in his office and my stomach knotted. In his office the conversation stayed on topic for a while and I was hopeful until a moment of silence and he said that now that business was taken care of it was time for me to do what I was really there to do. I blurted out for him to please not do this but it was wasted breath. He undid his pants and pulled out his g******* and simply looked at me waiting. I begged again for him to please not make me do this, but he said that it would be a shame if he told the parish that I had been seen m*********** in the summer camp showers. I wanted to throw up aa I walked to him and started to kneel but he told me to stop and lock his office door. I did so and then he told me that I was to remove my clothes and kneel naked. Now I was literally silently sobbing because I felt so hopelessy trapped. I simply hopee it would be over quickly as it had been in the camp shower. But ot this time. As soon as his p**** was in my mouth both of his hands went to my head and slowly guided me up and down as he grew in my mouth, he was long but also insanely thick. It was not brutal it was just relentless slow gentle force. He told me that I had been selfish to avoid and deny him and that it was my own fault for my past summer’s moment of weakness and self indulgent sin. Later I would realize the manipative brainwashing for what it was but at that time it just felt hopelessly trapped. Eventually he pushed my head down to the point I started to gag and tried to pull back but it was too late he held my head tightly in place as he emptied straight down the top of my throat. He kept me held there as I struggled to breathe until he was flaccid and limo again. He then stood and left me after telling me to get dressed, and telling me that this was to become a ritual regular atonement and that I would be expected to learn what I was doing. That this was the price of s*****. I am free of all that brainwashing now but it got way worse before I got free of it.