I’m a sadist, but don’t want to be. The kind of p*** I watch is fucked. Really fucked. I dont think (god, I hope) ive ever seen child p**********, but I have probably seen and masturbated to different forms of r***. My searches always include pain, crying, abuse, etc. and some times the obviously acted pornos where the victim is actually enjoying themselves don’t do it for me. I need to see a person cry, scream, anything like that. I have a girlfriend and we have loving, romantic vanilla s**. But I feel like a terrible person and I’m afraid my s***** will take over and I will do something to her (not anything major of course, but Im afraid when I get angry or somethinf I will hit her). I would never want to hurt anyone, or see my friends in pain. I hate the idea of that. But watching p*** where a woman is screaming and passing out from the pain is such a huge turn on for me, and I can’t m********* without it. I don’t know why I am this way, I don’t know if I’ve contributed to actual r*** p***, I don’t know if the videos I watch are really well done for sadists or they are literal torture. I want to be a good person, but this is a stone weighing on me that I cant get off. Its affecting my normal relationships and uve started feeling less empathy, more anger. I dont want to go further down this stairway but I dont know how to stop. I hope I find the courage to seek help.