What It’s Really Like to Go to a S** Party
It might look a little different than you think.
Caitlin Jill Anders
Caitlin Jill Anders
Feb 11 · 6 min read
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Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash

When I was getting ready to go to my very first s** party in October 2018, I had absolutely no idea what to expect. A guy I’d just started seeing asked if I wanted to be his date since his primary partner couldn’t go. It was only our third date, and honestly, I couldn’t think of a better activity. I was so excited, but also super nervous.

On the way there, I tried to ask him as many questions as I could think of, but I was also kind of hitting a wall because I realized I had no idea what I was supposed to be asking. I knew it was being hosted in a hotel room, so that already tossed out the very movie-like picture of s** parties that often comes up. It’s not the kind of thing we’re taught to be prepared for.

When you think of the term “s** party,” a lot of images probably start swirling around in your mind. Huge mansions with women dressed up in fancy lingerie and masquerade masks. Dark, intimate settings with mood music playing the whole time. People having wild s** everywhere you turn. Sleepless nights. P******.

Sometimes, that glamourous, movie-style picture of a s** party is true. The thing is, s** parties come in all shapes and sizes. They’re not always going to look one way, and for me personally, they’ve never looked the fancy mansion way. Yet, anyway. Life is long.

My first s** party was nothing like I expected, from the moment a man wearing huge horns on his head opened the door to the moment I walked back out into the hallway sweaty and smiling, and the whole thing was absolutely wonderful. I had the best time, and each new party has brought something different to the table.

If I could go back to that version of me sitting in the car on her way to her first s** party, full of nervous excitement, I would still mostly leave her in suspense. The few things I would tell her about what it’s really like to go to a s** party would purely be to reassure her, and heighten her excitement of the awesome time she was about to have.

The attire varies

My first s** party was Halloween-themed — a detail my date didn’t inform me of until we were already in the car. Luckily I’d gone with a red dress with red lingerie underneath, so I guess I was kind of on theme. I hoped our lack of themed attire wouldn’t be too big of a deal, and when we arrived, I was actually kind of surprised by how varied everyone was dressed.

Some people had gone all out with the costume thing. Huge horns, cute devil costumes, etc. The naughty Halloween thing really inspired some people. Others were just wearing nice lingerie or underwear. Others showed up in black sweatpants and tank tops.

Either way, a lot of us were naked pretty quickly, so it really didn’t matter much.

That’s pretty much been the theme for every party I’ve been to so far. Some people go all out, and some people don’t, but regardless everyone is there to have a good time. My advice would be to wear whatever’s most comfortable, and get as naked or stay as clothed as you want. Contrary to what you might think, s** parties aren’t about putting on a show. They’re about pleasure and fun, however that ends up looking for you.

It’s a lot more casual than you might think.

I think the thing that has struck me the most about s** parties is how relaxed they actually are. Sure, there are people having s**, but there are also people just hanging out and talking, too. The night of my first party was also the night of the World Series game three, Red Sox versus Dodgers, and people kept checking their phones or heading down to the bar to catch parts of the game. We’re all there to have s**, but we’re also there to hang out and have fun. As long as everyone’s being safe and respectful, there’s no pressure to do things a certain way.

When my partner and I first got settled into things that night, we were having s** on part of the bed, and at the same time, he was also introducing himself and me to various people having s** around us. It definitely felt surreal, but it also felt weirdly natural for the situation.

At a s** party, s** isn’t as big of a deal as it is elsewhere. It’s just a thing that happens, and that’s really cool to me.

A lot of thought goes into every interaction.

In case this wasn’t already obvious, consent is very, very important at a s** party (as it should be everywhere). At all the s** parties I’ve been to, it’s made very clear from the beginning that you should always ask before touching anyone. Can I touch you, can I kiss you, can I f*** you, etc. are all super normal things to say in that setting. Consent isn’t just encouraged, it’s expected.

And I know, the idea of people just running up to each other and grabbing at each other in fits of passion is hot. But frankly, asking first is hotter. And I know, some people probably think that just being at a s** party means that you’ve already given consent. But frankly, it doesn’t.

To me, consent doesn’t ruin the mood; it enhances it. I remember how excited I would get when someone would walk up to me at a s** party and ask if they could touch me. It was so hot and so flattering and made those seconds before we actually started touching so tantalizing.

It’s ok to laugh

I’ve said this before, but s** shouldn’t be such a serious thing. It’s ok to have fun during s**, and it’s especially ok to have fun at a s** party. You don’t have to put on a s*** front all night. It’s ok to try and let down your guard once the nerves start to fade. It’s ok to goof around and laugh. It makes things more fun that way.

All of the s** parties I’ve been to have been held in hotel rooms, and at my first one, we heard a knock on the door while we were in the midst of it. Someone went to answer while the rest of us tried to shush each other, giggling and struggling to stay quiet. As the person answered the door to talk to a hotel staff member who was about to say we’d gotten a noise complaint, someone in the group let out the loudest moan I’d ever heard in my life, which only prompted more stifled laughter. Once the complaint had been dealt with, the designated door answerer came back and declared, “First noise complaint!” And then we kept going, trying to be quieter but probably not altogether succeeding.

And that’s what it’s really like to go to a s** party. It’s fun and silly and awkward and goofy and chill, all at once. Really, anything but serious.

Anything goes (in a safe, consensual way)

Just because you’re at a s** party doesn’t actually mean you have to have s**. I mean, yes, that’s why most people go. But as the night goes on, there are plenty of options besides having s**. You can watch. You can hang out and talk to friends. You can make connections with people that you’re hoping to take beyond just the party. You can take a break before jumping back into the action.

Really, anything goes.

The night of a s** party I was planning on going to, I had my period, and didn’t want to make a mess of a hotel room that wasn’t mine. I was going to skip it — but then I decided to just go anyway because I didn’t want to miss the chance to hang out with my friends (and I did end up getting just a little naked).

At another party, someone else came just to hang out for the same reason, and she and one of her friends sat next to me and my partner on the couch as we did s*** things to each other — and we chatted with them the whole time, mostly about what we were doing and how hot it was.

I’ve been to parties where I’ve had s** basically the whole night. I’ve been to parties where I’ve tapped out early. Sometimes people bring partners, and sometimes people come solo. As long as you’re respectful and ask before you touch, there’s no set way a s** party has to go, and that kind of makes it even more fun.
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