To: Throughout my relationship I have been gaslighted and manipulated
Me: Interesting analysis of your relationship with your partner and a clear expressive way of explaining where you are at and why, to which I agree totally. You are obviously an intelligent woman, but you seem to be in a relationship which could be much more than it is, with someone else.
Is he a small guy in height, because he seems to have small men’s disease, I’m a tall guy, if that is any help.
It seems to me, you are trying to make your relationship work, where he is constantly trying to tear you and it down and as a consequence, the irregularities of his relationship with you are clearly defined, from how you discuss things.
How you conduct your life, your trips away and how you earn your income, should be your business and not his at all and you should set a level, beyond which you refuse to go, for that reason.
I don’t see that pursuing his fantasies, to have him rebound them on you, when he does not like your choice of his replacement, is a healthy thing at all, quite the reverse and I would think he was testing out your willingness to do something different to test your loyalty to him, because he is threatened by your lifestyle which has no part of him in it, when you are not “home with him” and how you respond, is not a safe and secure result for him and underlines that whatever keeps you together, is not that, so why do you stay with him, sort of thing.
He has insecurities and you are doing nothing to help him manage those insecurities, so where does he go and what does he do, to make up for that and find peace at his own level, when his relationship with you seems to be at risk, most of the time.
Let’s cut to the chase. Before you began your job traveling away from him and your home base, you had a marriage which met his every expectation, but when you traveled far and away, on your own, the doubts crept in and now he is outside his comfort zone and you are pushing to derail him even more.
I suggest you take stock. Do you really want to be in this warped relationship with him and is it not about time that you found somewhere else to live on your circuit and seriously consider a permanent ending to your marriage to him.
This should not be about you punishing him for his insecurities, but your safety and security in the longer term, perhaps with someone else.
While I rationalize your perspective, it seems to me you are pushing him way outside his comfort zone and if he becomes unglued, his revenge on you might be very costly to you.
Better to see that you have outgrown him and your relationship with him and move on in a positive way, than stick around someone who might be very much like an explosive waiting to go off and destroy all in the process.
You have 3 choices really.
You can pull your horns in and let him be head of your household and maintain the lifestyle that he is comfortable in and tell him what he wants to hear to maintain that (and keep secrets hidden away from him – what the eye does not see, the mind does not know)
You can ride him and provoke him to respond to you in ways about which we know nothing, but I would say he might be dangerous to be around and you really don’t want to go there.
You can accept the futility of your marriage and him and express yourself freely and without any hold backs, by separating from him and divorcing him and living somewhere else that he knows nothing about and start over with someone more fitting to your needs and lifestyle who won’t care what you do or who with, to maintain it to your satisfaction.
Like women, no man is really alike and you just have to play the field to find the one best suited to you.
You don’t have to get married, I would suggest you remain single.
When you buy a house, have it in your name only and when you meet someone suitable for your needs, both s***** and otherwise, rent a room to them, in your house and enjoy them in all of the ways you need, bearing in mind that if ever they leave, they can only take what they brought with them and nothing of yours.
I have been renting a room to “female friends” who live in my home with me and provide me with the enjoyments of life I miss on my own.
I charge a minimum rent of $5 weekly plus $45 to expenses = $50 weekly (but you can charge whatever you like) and for that they get a magnificent home with all of the luxuries and then some, so keeping me happy with them is paramount – the latest female has been with me 6 years now.
This way, you have your cake and you get to eat it too.
That way – I don’t see any long term good result for you, especially when you confirm his worst fears and then some.
Was me, I would want you to f*** around and I would enjoy f****** you afterwards and even a 3 some would be very acceptable to me, as long as I used your a** hole and not him…….smile!!
I have your back, I am here for you any time you want to bounce things off me
Richard