Stop Using Lube During Penetrative, Vaginal S**
Whose pleasure are you prioritizing?
Nadège
Nadège
Jan 27 · 6 min read
Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Polina Kovaleva.

Lube can be an excellent way to stimulate a c*******, a p****, or ease into a*** s**. Yet, when lube is used as a “bandaid” to help a p**** penetrate a dry v****, we might just be preserving r*** culture.

Now, if you are someone who experiences chronic vaginal dryness, which is common during/after menopause or due to a medical reason, this article is not referring to you. Lube can be a phenomenal aid for chronic vaginal dryness. But what about when your v**** remains dry during arousal but your partner is ready for penetration? Is it really in your best interest to slap on some lube and make your body continue?

When lube is marketed to people, especially people with vulvas, it can be sold as a “hack” that helps v****-owners have penetrative s** when they are dry. After eight years of studying s** (and many more years of having it), it’s my professional opinion that this is one way we should not be using lube during s**. Again, this is my opinion, and it can be a controversial one. My goal is not to change your mind but to help you understand a new point of view that helps you make educated decisions about s**.
Problem #1: We Are Not Educated About S** From The Perspective of Pleasure

Legally, only 17 states in the USA are required to teach medically accurate s** education. Across the world, this trend is just as bad if not worse. This means that it is normal to be uninformed or miseducated about your body, your s********, and the s** you are currently having. Not only is s** education radically unscientific, but it is hardly ever introduced through the lens of pleasure.

This is a big deal. When we do not teach youth (or adults) about s** through the lens of pleasure, we perpetuate r*** culture. A pleasure centered conversation about s** teaches people about s***** sovereignty and body autonomy. Essentially, that s** should feel good and when it doesn’t, it’s healthy to provide feedback or say “no, thank you”. Discussions about s** that are based on pleasure teach us how to discuss s** with other people in empowering ways.

Medically accurate s** education could also provide context that would reduce s***-shaming. For example, experts have proven that s** is not a reproductive behavior — which would mean that our urge to have s** is driven by a primal need to reproduce. An idea that is commonly accepted and passed around by religious societies that attempt to control women’s bodies.

Instead, the latest research explains that s** is a social behavior. We feel urges to have s** because of social instincts that drive us to experience arousing social situations. This means that wanting to have s** is normal, fantasizing about s** is normal, and having s** for fun is normal. Imagine how silly it would be to s***-shame people if we learned this fact about s**?

It is my educated belief that if s** education curriculums were based on pleasure and science they would interrupt r*** culture and lead to more fulfilling s** lives for humans.
Problem #2: Doctors Don’t Learn About S** While Gaining Their Degree

When painful penetration or vaginal dryness occurs, most of us have no idea what or why this is happening. You can ask your doctor, but are you aware that doctors, psychologists, and therapists are not required to take human s******** courses to obtain their degrees? Yes, this includes OB-GYNs and Urologists.

Unless you find a specialist (a s** therapist, a sexologist, etc.) it’s safe to assume that your medical practitioner did not learn about s**, gender, or s********. As if this isn’t enough, scientists and doctors weren’t legally required to include women’s bodies in medical research until 1993. For example, did you know that the average c******* is four inches long and gets erections? Don’t worry, the medical community didn’t know either.

“Shockingly, the medical community didn’t know about the full internal structure of the c******* until urologist, Helen O’Connell, M.D., figured it out while dissecting cadavers (she published her work, “The Anatomy of the C*******,” in 1998). But it wasn’t until 2005, when MRIs were done of the c*******, that its full structure was finally revealed, and not until 2008, that we finally had the first 3D images of the c*******.”

— Gigi Engle, Sexologist

To be fair, medical professionals add tremendous value to the global community and devote their lives to human health. The average MD has to complete four years of intense study, followed by a residency that can last up to 7 additional years. After all that work, I don’t blame my Doctor for not thinking to add a semester in human s********.

I do take issue with academic institutions that create these curriculums and decide what our medical professionals should study. Whether it’s in high school or an ivy league institution, there is a s** education deficit.
What does this have to do with lube?

Given that the average person is not educated about s** and the average medical professional has a gap in their s***** knowledge, where do we learn about s**? Through dominant cultural narratives. One harmful component of dominant culture is the idea that s***** pleasure is for men, purity is for women, and queer people are s******* deviant.

Enter penetration, the act that most humans would label as “real s**”. Since men have been given permission to enjoy s***** pleasure for centuries, the script for “real s**” was written from the perspective of male pleasure. This means that we were all taught to prioritize penetration during s** and that all other acts are “foreplay” (a.k.a. the warm-up for penetration). If women ruled the world, wanna bet that penetration would be “post-play”?

In a society where penetration is thought to be the purpose and culminating act of s**, vaginal dryness morphs into a serious problem. We may wonder: If penetration didn’t occur because my v**** was dry, is this my fault? Enter lube, which feels like the solution.

Rather than asking ourselves if our body is ready for penetration, we reach for lubrication. (I did this for many years). In doing so, we are prioritizing another person’s arousal and learning to overlook the signals we are currently receiving from our bodies. If we aren’t careful, lube can become a tool that perpetuates forced-s** situations; even when we are the ones forcing ourselves to continue with painful, dry, or uncomfortable s**.
Don’t Follow The Status Quo, Follow What Feels Good

Lube is an excellent tool at our disposal. It can make already sensitive areas experience pleasure more intensely (like the n******, feet, ears, c*******, or p****). It can help people who want to have a*** or vaginal penetration combat dry skin. And if we aren’t careful, it can teach you to ignore important signals from your body or prioritize penetration even if you prefer other s** acts.

Since it is normal for us to be uneducated or miseducated about our body’s healthy responses to arousal and physical touch, this happens more often than we even realize.

Let’s interrupt this s**-negative pattern by learning how to listen to our bodies and stimulate our skin accordingly. Before you use lube during vaginal penetration, ask yourself why you are using the lube? Who you are using it for? What might your body be trying to tell you right now? What would make you feel relaxed and able to receive pleasure?

Remember, s** is defined by pleasure, not penetration. “Real s**” doesn’t occur when something hard slides into something wet and foreplay is a substantial and satisfying way to experience s***** pleasure. Regardless of your relationship status or the gender or your significant other, it’s healthy to advocate for your pleasure and press pause if your body isn’t ready to play.
Medium
Me: Save Lube for f****** her a****** and then you will get the ultimate pleasure, as a male, that you won’t ever get f****** her c***, which is like a bottomless hole……..