How to Be a S**-Positive Christian
I teach s**-ed to teens at church — here are some of the key lessons
Martha Schick
Martha Schick
Oct 7, 2019 · 9 min read
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Photo: Carol Yepes/Moment/Getty Images

When I tell people that part of my job as a youth leader at my church is teaching s** ed to middle schoolers, I get one of a few reactions:

“Well. I’m glad someone is doing it.”

“Middle schoolers? That must be awful!”

“At a church? What are you teaching them?!”

“…” (no words, just some blushing and desperately trying to escape the conversation)

Understandably, my job is met with either confusion, suspicion, or embarrassment, though most often it’s a combination. It’s no wonder since so many Christians or people raised in the church would never have had the opportunity to take a class like the one we teach.

Growing up in a conservative-ish United Methodist church with a liberal pastor, I didn’t hear much about s**. I vaguely remember signing a chastity pledge as a middle schooler, but not much beyond that. That was not the case at the Catholic high school I attended after attending public school my whole life.

I was in a health class that taught that condoms were less than 50 percent effective and that birth control pills can increase your risk of cancer. After my then-boyfriend walked me to my religion class, my teacher handed me the book “Sexless in the City” and told me to be careful (weird, right, that she didn’t give him one?) So, even though I was still going to a church that didn’t talk much about s**, I started to view s******** education and religion as inextricably linked — just not in a good way.

Now, as an out queer woman working at a liberal urban church and starting seminary, I treasure the relationship between my faith and s**-positivity. In my s******** education class, we use a fact-based curriculum that addresses s******** and gender identity along with the basics of safer s**. The lessons in “Our Whole Lives,” or OWL, focus on s******** as an inherent part of our identity — something that is God-given. We talk about specific behaviors that may be high, low, or no risk, particularly for teens, but the underlying message is always that their identities and desires are good and okay.

I treasure the relationship between my faith and s**-positivity.

Being “s**-positive” means something different depending on who you ask, but my basic definition is that s**-positivity means approaching s** and s******** without judgment; valuing communication, consent, and safety; and pushing for education and laws that empower people to make healthy s***** decisions. It means that when consenting adults are taking part in a mutually pleasurable activity, even if a s**-positive person didn’t find the idea fun themselves, they would not judge. For the record, that whole not judging thing? Sounds pretty Christian to me.

It’s easy to feel like this attitude of acceptance is a minority opinion, especially when so many vocal s** education naysayers cite Christianity as the basis for their beliefs. In reality, a majority of religious Americans are in favor of responsible and comprehensive s******** education, including 76 percent of those who identify as Protestants, 74 percent of Roman Catholics, and 67 percent of fundamentalist/evangelicals, according to a 2000 National Survey on Religion and Choice from the Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice.

For the record, that whole not judging thing? Sounds pretty Christian to me.

The same national survey, found on the Religious Institute’s website, said “more than 90% of Protestant and Jewish clergy believe individuals can benefit from discussions of s******** issues in worship services, youth groups, religious school, and adult education.”

Part of why I love teaching s******** education in the church setting so much is because I believe church and s******** go together. When I read the Bible and see Jesus healing a woman with a uterine hemorrhage, or see the beautiful poetry in the Song of Solomon about a lover’s breasts, or even just read that God delights in me, God’s creation — all of these things show me that s**, s********, and our varied bodies and experiences could never separate us from a God that knows us and loves us.

Part of why I love teaching s******** education in the church setting so much is because I believe church and s******** go together.

Our church had an intern once who said that all through her childhood, her church told her that she was beloved by God, and God made her just the way she was — an experience most Christian kids share. However, she said, by the time she came out and they were telling her that her s******** was incompatible with God’s love, it was too late! She knew that she was fearfully and wonderfully made, including her s********.

If you’re in a position of teaching s** education to young people in a church setting, or if you’re trying to reconcile your own upbringing and faith with your views on s********, this is a non-exhaustive list of tips and advice to help get you started:
Reflect, reflect, reflect

Figuring out why you react in the ways you do is important, and much of that will stem from what you were taught in your formative years. This could come from family, church, school, or any other deeply impactful community you were a part of. It may be helpful to read the official stances on s** before marriage, gender identity/s********, and gender equity in church leadership of the denomination you belonged to during your formative years.

Journaling about your evolving thoughts on something like s** before marriage lets you put something once taught as fact into your own words

Reading these stances doesn’t mean you have to agree with them or validate them — it gives you a starting point for understanding how and why you were taught the things you were growing up. Journaling about your evolving thoughts on something like s** before marriage lets you put something once taught as fact into your own words, allowing you to regain some agency over how you think of it. This reflection is continuous throughout your s**-positivity journey.
Be gentle with yourself

Even after you’ve come to an understanding about what you believe about s** and s********, there will undoubtedly be moments when you feel latent judgment or disgust rear its head. That’s okay!

Take that time to gently step back and think about why you feel that way, and remind yourself that evolving beliefs don’t happen all at once. Treat yourself with generosity and remember that an initial reaction is not within our control, but how we treat people is.
Seek help if you need it

For many hurt by the church, especially trauma related to s** and s********, you may want to seek out professional help from a therapist. This is a great way to disentangle yourself from the guilt, shame, and toxic ideas about s**. Therapy isn’t just for the trauma we associate with worst-case scenarios either, like assault.

If people s***-shamed you or shamed your s******** or gender identity, a therapist can talk through that with you. On many therapist search sites, like Psychology Today, you can select options for your therapist being Christian or well-versed in spirituality. If you don’t want to start by taking the leap into therapy, read “Sacred Wounds: A Path to Healing from Spiritual Trauma” by Teresa B. Pasquale.
Resist the urge to scream “That’s private!”

For many of us who grew up in the church, matters of s********, particularly specific experiences or concerns, were not discussed. At most, there was a list of do’s (s** with your spouse on your wedding night and s** to have children) and dont’s (s** outside of straight marriage). Churches and faith communities try to teach their young people how to live by the Biblical ideals of love, forgiveness, and peace — why would they not teach these lessons when it comes to interpersonal s***** relationships as well?

Try to remember that approaching conversations about s** with respect and love is a revolutionary act

In a society dominated by images of s** as violent, power-based, and meaningless, churches are positioned to teach that s** can be full of love, respect, and mutual pleasure, both within and outside of marriage. In order to make this work, questions about things like m***********, fantasies, abortion, g*******, non-monogamy, and puberty might come up — questions that make some want to put their hands over their ears and sing loudly until the questioner goes away.

Instead, try to remember that approaching conversations about s** with respect and love is a revolutionary act, one that will ultimately make your church community and the greater society healthier.
Remember that s******** is inherent in all of us

Some fetuses m********* in the womb. Children often explore their own and each other’s bodies, sometimes publicly, sometimes privately. From the time we’re born, we have a sense of skin hunger than can only be calmed by touching someone else. God has given people an innate sense of wonder in bodies — our own and others — and sometimes, that wonder is expressed through desire and s**.

Curiosity about bodies and what feels good begins before birth

When we tell ourselves and others that desire, yearning, and human contact is shameful or wrong, we’re ignoring the fact that curiosity about bodies and what feels good begins before birth.

In Song of Solomon 8:6–7, we read about the mutual passion of two young lovers: “Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong as death, passion fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, a raging flame. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it.” There is no shame here, only a deep sense of natural love and passion.
Know that being s**-positive doesn’t mean you need to “do” anything specific — but you can!

One of the common hang-ups around s** positivity can be the reflex of: “I just don’t understand why someone would do [blank]. I would never want to do that!” The blank can be anything that gives you an instant “ew” factor. The key to s** positivity is that you never have to do anything you don’t want to.

S** positivity is not just about what you want to explore in your own life. It’s just as much about supporting others.

You can be s**-positive and wait until your wedding night to have s** with your spouse. You can be s**-positive and choose to abstain from s***** activity for a day, a year, a decade, or forever. S** positivity is not just about what you want to explore in your own life.

It’s just as much about supporting others in having the space to figure out what they want to do in their own lives. And who knows? Maybe when you see others doing something you never dreamed you’d want to do, you’ll think of something new you’d like to try.
Find resources that work for you

There are books, podcasts, articles, poetry, blogs, and every other form of media available to help you think through your s**-positive journey. Here are some of my favorites:

Shameless: A S***** Reformation is a book from the heavily tatted, foul-mouthed Lutheran Rev. Nadia Bolz-Weber that explores her journey with s** as a Christian, as well as her theological view of s** in the Bible.
“A Tiny Revolution” is a podcast from Kevin Garcia that features conversations with people from all over the theological/gender identity/s******** spectrum. They speak at length about their own experience trying to “pray the gay away” and now being an out and proud Christian. They also co-run Queerly Beloved, a rad queer Christian T-shirt company.
Searching for Sunday by Rachel Held Evans doesn’t focus on s**-positive Christianity, but does tell the story of her life as a former evangelical who had to learn that it was okay to question the Bible and her church upbringing.
Emily Joy’s spoken word poetry is stunning and heartbreaking. She takes on identity and toxic church culture with amazing visuals to back up her beautiful words.

Find folks who understand the tensions and joys of being a s**-positive Christian

No matter what church you’re in, I can guarantee that there are other people grappling with Christianity and s********. If there’s a safe way to seek them out, do so! Having conversations with people in your community of faith will open you up to new understandings and help you figure out where you stand too.

That said, if your church is not a safe place to discuss questions, doubts, and new ideas, consider finding a place where you can. This doesn’t always mean leaving, but perhaps there’s a book group or other social gathering of like-minded people you can attend elsewhere.

Look for churches that offer programs like Our Whole Lives, which usually means s** and the church is an ongoing conversation there. Talk to friends and family about what you’re thinking and feeling. There will always be people who quote Scripture to prove you wrong or right. We are always in tension with a book that speaks to each of us in different ways. Find good people to take that journey with you.
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