I lost my virginity to my current partner when I was 20, and have stayed loyal to him the past 7 years. But have always wanted to try something with a

6 years

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I lost my virginity to my current partner when I was 20, and have stayed loyal to him the past 7 years. But have always wanted to try something with a different guy, I would suggest mmf threesomes/swaps/tinder dates etc. to him but he’d always shut the idea down. He would ridicule me and judge me for having these recurring thoughts. I just want to know what’s its like to be exclusive to myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am madly in love with my BF and I know its frustrating that I suggest these ideas to him but I just wish he would talk to me about my needs and desires.

So after 7 years of having my s***** desires being denied I said f*** it and decided I was going to do it at least once. So a couple of nights ago I went on tinder and found a guy.

The s** itself was way different/better compared to my partners. This dude was hung like a horse and f*** me so good to the point that I was squealing, and he wouldn’t c**, so after 5 o***** later,I felt like I was going to past out. There was just something about after all this time trying someone new was just so thrilling and exciting to me, I even squirted for the first time in my life. This feeling felt amazing and life changing.

I’m now left even more bitter that I didn’t get to experience that “hoe phase.” I should’ve got in my teens and early twenties. I regret the fact I didn’t allow myself to experiment more and trapped myself so young. Looking back there’s so many small fantasies and experiences I wanted that I put up with not doing for so long. I want to experience being someone’s first, I wanted to try a t********, I wanted to f*** some of my close guy friends etc. My girlfriend Shay, was just on a trip to Barbados and she ended up being fucked by two guys at the same time. Ofcousre I tell my BF what happened with Shay and he starts talking negative about her. But what he fails to realize is if I was in that position I would have done the same thing. It baffles me how guys talk all this s*** about women being hoes/whores and sluts but don’t realize that these slutty thoughts are in their wives and GFs minds as well.

Now don’t get me wrong I love my boyfriend and he is the person I want to marry one day and we would both be crushed if he found out. But, I finally found out what is holding me back from taking the next step in our relationship.

I don’t feel guilty either, I recognize that I’m a bad person for it and what I did was wrong but I just can’t feel guilty about it. I don’t know what to do now, plus he get jealous so quickly. We were watching an adult film not to long ago and I said something about the guy’s “you know what”and he cut the movie off.

I even told Shay what I did and this was her response back to me:

“You did absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever! In fact I think what you did was very honorable and very courageous! We women have been s******* repressed for entirely way too long and for you to find the courage to open up and go through with your own natural s***** desires is a very honorable thing to do! It doesn’t mean you don’t love your man with all your heart or disrespect him in any way. This is something you needed and you had the strength and courage to go through with this and I applaud you! I have a tremendous amount of respect for the girls who are done being kicked around and controlled by anyone! Its almost 2021 and we deserve better! We deserve to use our bodies the way we need to. So on that note, YOU GO GIRL, GET YOURS!!! GIRL POWER!!!!”

I just wish BF could have these conversations so we both could both benefit. Eventually one day this will stop, but his frail masculinity and inability to converse about certain topics cause me to step out on the relationship.

New Confession

Going to the Y today and do dicc peeking, and pick one up for parking lot action. Hungry for a mouthful of jizzle juice.

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Some of this i learned and processed years after when my mother told me. Even when i was an infant if i was crying or fussy she would fondle my g e n i t a l s to soothe me and take me to breast. Apparently even when she was trying to toilet train as a first reward system she would do it as a reward. When i was no longer bedwetting she had me sleep in her bed. She continued to brrastfeed me for many years, long past puberty. She did so to make me obedient whether it was good grades or chores or general behavior. When school first started it was neurotic so she escalated it. At some point that i remember from around 7 or 8 she would use her mouth as a special treat. She also said she did it because boys are dirty and bad. She said she did it to keep me from shaming or degrading myself. When hair began to grow on my body she kept me shaved because she said ikept me her cute little boy. She did not tell me this until i dreamt it but apparently overnight she would commonly at same general age have me lay on top of her and rub my p e n i s against her between her legs. These things happened commonly until the first time i e j a c ulated when she had her mouth on me. From that event on she would have me enter her and climax every morning and every night at bedtime. To her it was keeping me good and focused and making good grades all the way through college (local, lived with her). It continued until her age made it too difficult to do safely and she eventually had of her in home caretakers serve as her surrogate for higher pay. I still see that caretaker since my mother died and i continue to oay her to visit her several times a week. I have never dated or been with any other women. Mother got me addicted to infantile headspace s** for control and i have no ability to be attracted to or date or have relationship,s** because i am helplessly trapped in that whole messed up mommy mentality.