if you wanted to be a father then it’s great when your ready I have 5 kids by 4 different girls – but only the latest one was really the right time!

First 2 were with same mom 18 and 17 years ago, and accidents – they live with their psycho mom, my old ex girlfriend in Texas – I see the girls every so often. The younger one likes me and gets along with me but my oldest daughter absolutely f****** HATES me (and all men) because she has been programmed by her mom
That way

Third 1 was a girl who was way way too young for me because she was in high school and I was a substitute teacher 16 years ago and well turns out she really wasn’t on birth control – when my ex found out about her she flipped out and kicked me out – this girls parents made her move off to Colorado to a school for
Pregnant underaged girls – I had to leave the state to avoid getting in trouble – so I’ve never seen this child – but I heard through a friends Facebook that the girl finished boarding school and then got pregnant by one of her college professors her freshman year at University of Utah and ended up marrying him and having 2 more kids with him and he adopted her first born (my biological third) and now all 4 of them live as a happy family in Utah – it trips me up that my 16 year old daughter has no idea who I am or that I’m her real father – she’s probably never even heard of me

Forth 1 was literally a random girl I met at a bar and cheated Again on my ex with and sure enough I didn’t wear a condom and she got pregnant 15 years ago – I pretty much have no clue where she went. I don’t actually know her moms name because it turns out the name she gave me was a former stripper name from when she had been stripping – she had gotten fired as a stripper for gaining 15 pounds from her first unexpected pregnancy and so she was trying to go back to school – nursing school – and she was just Barely smart enough to get in but the classes were hard and she was drinking alone at a bar on a Sunday and I bought her drinks and we hit it off – I remember her texting me that she was pregnant and it was mine and that it was a girl – I met her for late night dinner at a casino where she worked nights as a cocktail waitress and boy she sure looked might pregnant- about 7 months at the time – we laughed and kissed and I told her I’d be there for her no matter what and she said that she wanted me there at the birth –

but then she ghosted me – Stoped replying to texts of calls and I went by the address she gave me for her old apartment and she was gone – I couldn’t find her anywhere not online nothing – I serched her name and asked around and that’s when I found out the name she gave me was her old stripper first name of Crystal and the last name she gave was apparently either made uptown a stage name or maybe it was one of the Last names of one of her moms old boyfriends that was always hanging around when she was growing up – still not a real name and she just disappeared – somewhere out there I have a 15 year old daughter who has no idea I’m her father

I Laid low after that and then a few years later I had a few pregnancy scares but it ended in abortion or miscarriage with the different girls

3 abortions And

11 miscarriages to be exact -9 with the same poor girl

I had no idea how devastating Miscarriages were until I was dating a young teacher right out of college – she was 22-23 and I was 34-35 at the time and she burst into tears when she told me about her first pregnancy and her miscarriage – I hadn’t known she was pregnant and she said she was waiting to tell me after the sonogram at 6 weeks confirmed heartbeat but I was out of town for work and then I got back 3 weeks later and she met me at the airport and was in tears – she had the sonogram that day that showed the heartbeat had stopped and she was going to miscarry

I hadn’t known she wanted to have children but I figured I was ok with it because she seemed like a great mother material

So in rolled with it and never used a condom – she got pregnant 8 more times and every single time she’d miscarry between 6 to 16 weeks… the 12 and 13 and 14 and 15 and 16 week miscarriages were by far the most devastating – and it really changed my view on accidental pregnancy and made me question whether abortion at 12 weeks should be allowed everywhere or whether it should be limited to
Maybe 10 weeks

Because Jesus that baby sure seems like a baby at 16 weeks on a sonogram

After the 9th miscarriage she couldn’t take it anymore. The infertility had wrecked her spirit and she wanted to break up. I told her no I wanted to see her again and she looked
At me with sad eyes and said she would miss me but she had to leave and she was sorry she couldn’t have my children

The next night I got a call from police that they found her body over dosed at a park – it was the park she and I had first walked through on our first date

I had to go Id her body because she had no known next of kin and my number was literally the only number in her phone besides the office she worked at

Oh my f****** christ that destroyed me

For years I wasn’t right – I drank and drank and felt like a total b****** for what had happened

Finally I met a young girl who gave me hope – she had also Been through some s***. She had her father die,
Her older brother die from accidental over dose and her older sister Had gotten pregnant at 14 and been in abusive relationship with men
Her biological mother had remarried 5 times and then she had been sent back to jail for meth and parole violation
Her step fathers had all been abusive towards her
When she told me about how she had no place to go other than to move in with her older sister and her sisters abusive boyfriend I told her she needed to come live with me

That was an unconventional thing for someone volunteering to Help with an after school high school program to do

But although she was technically only 16 (and that was technically legal age) she seemed more
Like a world weary 26 Or 36 year old woman in disposition
And personality

And there I was 39 with a teenage girl who carried herself like she was 36

So Fifth 1 happened 2 years ago on a fluke with that girl. After spring semester on May 1st I asked if she wanted to go out west on a trip and she said yes and I was between jobs but had work lined up that August – so we did it

She packed two bags of clothes – all that she had and I picked her up from her sisters house at night

I had packed 2 bags myself and two camping backpacks and a tent and sleeping bags and had 2 boxes of camping gear and so forth – and had stopped at Costco to buy a few pallets of canned food and bottled water and stuff and man I just felt so young and so alive

She could feel them energy between us – the two of us – it crackled

It was clear we were going to have s** that first night and I straight up told her everything about my s***** past – the kids I’d never met the kids I’d barely ever met and the girl who desperately wanted to have children with me but couldn’t

She said she understood and that she too had a s***** past. Mostly her step fathers and step brothers who had raped her or molested her. The trama has given her an eating disorder and she was absurdly skinny and frail and she said she had irregular periods as a result of her battle with anorexia and wasn’t sure if she was ovulating anymore – so that may work like a natural birth control but that if it didn’t she would consider it a miracle blessing and she wasn’t going to worry about it either way because I seemed like a good guy

We knew the stars were crossed for us to become lovers that first night – we drove for hours and hours in my little truck – she had turned off her cell and I had as well. Eventually around 4am on a Tuesday we decided to just ditch the phones for good and we stopped at a truck stop – loaded up on cigarettes, and candy and beef Jerky and beers and filled the gas tank up and just threw our cell phones in the trash

I had cashed my last check for almost $1900 and emptied my pitiful $7000 in retirement from my prior job – which I kept split locked in the glove box and a spare $3000 hidden in a glasses case in a shaving kit bag locked in an inside compartment in the back jumpseat – that was all we had and more than we needed – I kept my credit card in the kit too in case of emergencies – but I had no other cards. A drivers licence and insurance card and a few hundred dollars in cash was what I carried in my wallet – I paid cash so we could stay off the grid and stay low

She didn’t have any money or credit cards ot even a drivers license – just a school issued ID – but she was ready for adventure and so was I

We hiked and camped and rafted and smoked and partied and we had a great time all summer

That summer she got pregnant and we watched her belly grow and grow and we loved it!!!

We cried tears of joy everyday for our baby

We went out to California and the west coast up to Oregon and Seattle –

We camped out in the Sierra Nevada and cascades

We felt at home in the mountains

As fall came I didn’t want to go back to work so we stayed outdoors longer until October when things started to get cooler

By Halloween we were both ready for a roof again for winter and we found a trailer and RV commune of Amazon’s seasonal workers

They got me lined up for work and she got hired informally to be a babysitter for the other workers kids – it worked great she stayed home with babies and kids while she was pregnant

And I worked the floor at an amazon packing facility. Hard work to be sure but it paid the bills

that Christmas We made a down payment on a small used trailer that was light enough to be towed by my light duty old 2001 Toyota truck

that following winter, almost a year ago this coming March, we had our baby and it was wonderful!!

We have continued the Nomad lifestyle and loved it

We loved being parents so much we started trying for another right away

and we have been blessed because She’s pregnant again now at about not quite 6 months pregnant

We’re excited for the future

I’m finally excited about being a father at 41 years old