Could you sleep through someone sexually assaulting you for two hours? If she was awake and knows everything, I want to apologise and do want ever it

7 years

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Could you sleep through someone s******* assaulting you for two hours?

If she was awake and knows everything, I want to apologise and do want ever it takes to make things as right as they can be.

She’s knows what she woke up to, but if she doesn’t know what I did, then maybe I should leave her alone. I don’t want to hurt her by bringing it up. I can’t turn myself in without naming her name which I also can’t do.

This happened 8 years ago. I had tried to hang myself 3 months prior. We had gone to high school together but weren’t close. She reached out while I was in the hospital, told me she had cried for me, then she came to visit. Would take time out of her day for me. I was so f****** blind not to see that was my chance to turn my life around and start again. A literal angel is who she is to me. Instead of letting go and putting myself out there I went back to being scared. We were friends but I never even tried to get to know her. I’m a terrible comunicater. One night at the end of a party I found her asleep in a spare bedroom. I cuddled her for what was probably only a few minutes before I began touching her, putting my mouth on her, then penetrating her. After a few hours she started to cry so I stopped pulled up her pants and started panicking quietly. I kept saying “it’s okay, it’s over, he’s gone” referring to myself I wasn’t trying to blame anybody else for my actions. She got up went to the bathroom. I went outside and started thinking about what I should say. She came outside gave me a hug and I whispered something horrible in her ear. I asked if she had had a bad dream. I’m ashamed. She said “yep” and then “don’t go anywhere”. I watched her walk away then I drove home. I’ve been taking those words more and more seriously ever since.

Now I can’t. I just can’t. I’m going completely insane and neurotic. I can’t forgive myself. I feel horrible for treating another human being like that, for saying the things I said. I don’t know what to do. All I’ve ever done in 26 years of life is struggle alone. Now more than ever I deserve to suffer.

I will never forget her. I can’t imagine the hell I’ve put her through. To make sure she’s believed is all I would want if she does want to report me.

I’ll believe what ever she tells me if we ever do speak again. But I won’t be asking her such questions. I’m asking you stranger (and possibly the person monitoring my life, I’m not paranoid you are) could you sleep through someone playing with you, your body like that? Or do you think she in a way really pitied me. I know she used to selfharm and attempted suicide a few times. I pray she doesn’t now. From what I can see she’s doing alright. Hits the gym, owns a business. I don’t like stalking but these are just things I can see online. It’s killing me not knowing how she’s doing though. I just want to have an honest conversation with her and tell her everything.

I feel like I survived just so our worlds could collide.
If I had died, I wonder if she would have been close behind me. Did I give her a reason to stay and fight for herself, the way she’s a reason for me to stay. I must sound awful I wouldn’t ever speak this way to her, of course I just added to her pain. I can’t keep reflecting on what I’ve done forever. I feel like a coward hiding from the truth. I need to face it.

I want thank her or show her how grateful and truly sorry I am.

I can’t own what I’ve done until I own my life, I can’t own my life until I own what I did. That means apologising to her. It’s up to her if she wants to talk so I’m waiting. Should I keep waiting? Should I send a letter confessing all of it? Should I just shoot her a message asking if she wants to see me?

I’m so fucked, I go to work, I come home. I speak with a therapist and that’s it. Everything else I say to anyone is a lie and will stay that way until I do apologise for what I’ve done. I wish I had just put a knife into my neck all those years ago.

Please someone tell me what I should do.

New Confession

My Mother had me chipped, like a dog. She was talking to our veterinarian and they must have decided to put a microchip in my co ck.

Mother took me to the veterinarian on the day it was closed. I was put on the table and strapped down nu de. The veterinarian Dr. Hannah Cutler, examined my co ck and balls and chatted with Mother. Then one of the technicians walked in, her name is Nikki. I was shocked to see that she was there. She examined me too. Then they talked about circumcising me as Nikki pulled and tugged on my foreskin and said all that nasty foreskin needs to be pruned. Nikki said I had a huge frenulum which would be utilized today but that really it should be excoriated with a hot cauterizing needle.

Then Dr. Cutler brought in a huge needle and put a microchip in it about the size of a grain of rice but a little bigger because it had a protruding ring or edge around the center of the capsule like maybe it was sealed there.

I mentioned that it had a big ridge on it and Nikki said, “Like your big ridge as she slipped her finger down my ball sac following the protruding raphe ridge. “I think this should be trimmed too,” she added as she pinched my raphe ridge. While pinching the ridge between her fingers, she wiggled my ball sac back and forth and she said. “This sac looks like it should be pruned too.” I was moaning from the pain of her sharp finger nails. Nikki said that my balls sac was excessive and must be reduced and tightened.

Then Nikki held my stiff co ck as Dr. Cutler shoved the large needle into my frenulum to inject the microchip. It was excruciatingly painful and it bled a lot. As the blood ran, Nikki rubbed her finger over it and said she likes it when boys bleed for her as she stared into my eyes. Her eyes twinkled and she was delighted that I was bleeding for her. Dr. Cutler put some Kwik Stop on the bleeding hole and it turned black in color and stopped bleeding. Nikki said they use Kwik Stop for all the dogs and she smirked. Dr. Cutler added a clamp on my frenulum that really pinched and burned but she wouldn’t take it off as I begged and struggled in pain.

Dr. Cutler waved a wand over my co ck and it located the microchip and it read out on her computer screen. The chip had been programmed with my name, address, phone number, date of birth, date of chipping, and other details such as my height, weight, the measurements of my co ck and that I was intact. It listed my Mother as my owner, and listed my behavior as Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), compulsive m*********** and said that circumcision was authorized. They examined my co ck and balls again and Dr. Cutler said the best place for a microchip would be in my balls. She finally released the clamp and cleaned up my throbbing fremulum while my erect co ck wobbled about.

Now I am chipped like a dog. My frenulum healed up after being chipped but I always feel the microchip. I feel the chip inside my co ck all the time. When we go to the veterinarian Mother makes me take my pants down so the technicians can see how my chip scans. I’ve had four different technicians scan my co ck and giggle in amazement at how I am chipped. They say that all boys should be implanted with a microchip ID.

They read the data and see that it says that I am a defiant boy and the one technician said she has some discipline methods to straighten me out. Another technician said I should just be neutered or de-balled because that solves behavior problems in the animals. Nikki added that emasculating me would get rid of the excessive ball sac and would solve that problem too. Nikki said she is eager to de-ball me and that she has castrated lots of dogs. Mother said I’d better behave or shell have Nikki fix my problem. Nikki said she is ready to do that anytime.

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My name is Jake Hedden of Lincoln, Nebraska and I am a shiit-eating dirtbag. I feel bad about it and would like to apologize to everyone I’ve ever crossed paths with.