I want to be a Japanese man more than anything. I want to feel my face and body and know that I am what I consider to be the ultimate beauty. Some days I

6 years

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I want to be a Japanese man more than anything. I want to feel my face and body and know that I am what I consider to be the ultimate beauty. Some days I can’t even look at my disgusting flesh. I get images of tearing off my skin.

I recently came back from some time living in Tokyo (not the big city but a city within Tokyo province). I have to finish something before I can go back. I felt very free there. I got a manual labour job very easily. I took public baths although they were on the women’s side due to my current physical attributes. I mingled in independent art circles. I felt like I belonged except the few times someone would say something like “you wear Japanese clothes well, for an outsider”. I would obsess over those times for weeks. At night I would cry and pull my hair.

But I’ve had the desire to be a Japanese man before that. It pains me to say it since I’ve hidden it from everyone. I’ve even lied to counsellors. I don’t want to talk about it but I know I need help so I’m trying to practice saying it.

Since I can remember, I’ve been s******* interested in pretty stereotypical features like narrow monolid eyes, that small line under the eyes most Japanese people have, teeth that stick out. I just think that’s beautiful. People with those features are the most beautiful in the world. I don’t think I need to discuss the very awkward and shameful moments of arousal as a scholar of 20th century history… Hahaha.

I want to look like that too. I want to be beautiful too. I don’t care what people would insult me with if I looked like that, because I would be able to feel secure and confidential in myself and my identity.

I get intrusive thoughts and obsessions and this is one of them. It makes me feel awful. I am a historian and social activist and I get thoughts that suggest I don’t really care, that I’m only interested because these people arouse me. I know it’s not true and I really do care, but my brain disregards the truth. So I just keep thinking about it forever and ever.

I hate having these obsessions. I don’t like having such a socially unacceptable desire like being a different race. But when I indulge these thoughts, think about how nice it would be, I gain a lot of emotional pleasure. S***** pleasure as well to be honest. You’re supposed to be only disgusted by intrusive thoughts, right? I feel so wrong, so broken in so many ways.

I don’t know if I can ever be rid of it. I’m trying to get help, but it’s so shameful to discuss. I still haven’t told anyone but every night for many years I contemplate what it would be like to wake up and have been magically transformed in my sleep.

When I go back to Japan I want to truly belong, not be plagued by random delusional freak outs.

New Confession

After my dad passed away me and my mother took a trip back to Ohio so I could drop her off at her sister’s house.. I got to saint louis missouri and we couldn’t find a hotel to say at so I pull over in a rest area and parked in the back. We both got in the back of the van and fell asleep. I woke up wet so I opened up the back of the van and took all my clothes off. I woke up my mother and she did the same. She laid back down and I got in behind her and I got a hard on. My mother put her hand back behind her and knew I had one. I started playing with her t*** and then her c***. She said I don’t think we should be doing this
I told her that both of us needed this. She rolled over on her back and I got on top of her and she put me inside her. I started off slow and then fast. I could tell she was c******. Then again and then again. That’s when I put myself really deep inside her and came. It felt so good c****** inside her. We talked about it the rest of the way and said that we should do it more when she comes back home. And then she tells me that dad and her knew about the guy up the street making movies with me and his daughter. I didn’t think any one knew about that. There was even times that me and him had s**. I would s*** him off and he did the same to me. Mostly it was me and his daughter having s**. Mom said that her and dad would watch us. They were looking thru holes in the wall and after he was done mom and dad had s** with the wife and him. Mom said that she has all the tapes. I said even the ones that me and him having s**
She said yes and the ones of you and he’s wife. She said that dad help him sell a lot of them to people. Mom said she had copies of all of them. She would show me were they are when she comes home. I played a couple of them and she had all of them. Even ones with mom and dad having s** with them. Mom asked me if I enjoyed being with him. I told her yes I did. It was fun sucking him off and him c****** I’m my mouth. He did c** a lot. They moved away and mom and dad never saw them again.

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