I am a 26 year old male, who since the end of December has had his life flipped upside down by an experience that will probably change my view of life, forever.

I had just graduated from the University and landed a good job at an international company. The 9 to 5 mentality was an enormous change from the job I previously had, working as a bartender at a coffee shop (the ones that sell weed, as I live in the Netherlands). I found my new job to be enormously monotonous, and the rigid structure it has, was a change from the relaxing atmosphere at the coffee shop. I had been selling weed and hash to all sorts of people throughout a 4,5 year period, and I was beginning to feel very guilty about the work that I was doing. You see people deteriorate over time due to the weed and hash, and I found myself to be have become complacent. I had to get out.

This was a contributing factor to a depression. I have had a small depression ever since I studied abroad, and met and dated a beautiful Korean girl. I had many relationships, but not as perfect and smooth like this one. She was not even that pretty, but we would have great, deep conversations, and we had a mutual respect for one another. We never had an argument, never a dull moment. I was deeply in love with her person. Due to the distance between us, after I went back home, we decided not go through with it. It destroyed me in a way, since I had not been able to fall in love with any girl since. I dated many, had girlfriends, but never truly loved any of them. With that my happiness declined and so did my confidence in myself.

I was getting lonely, strained by my job and depressed from the life that I had lived and was heading for. So one night something truly amazing happened. In search of motivation I watched the movie about the Formula 1 driver Ayrton Senna. He has been a personal hero of mine for quite some time, but I had yet to watch the movie. During the movie I was captivated by his strong belief in god and how it powered him. He described seeing god and knowing that god would help him. I found this fascinating, since I was an atheist. I had blocked god for most of my life, believing science had explained all, and even ridiculed others who were die hard believers. Till this day I still believe that institutionalized belief is a form of control.

When the movie ended, I thought about his comments about god, and the mystery surrounding a personal hero of mine. I was lying in bed, and I clearly remember asking myself 1 question: “what if I was wrong all this time about god’? At that moment I felt an amazing warmth come over me. I tried to keep my eyes open but they closed without me wanting to. I accepted whatever it was that I felt, and it intensified. I had goose bumps all over my body, yet felt completely warm, safe and above all relieved of stress. The general thought that entered my mind was that all of the feelings I had, anxiety and fears, were not important. These feelings meant nothing in the grand scheme of things, and right there I touched upon something essential; god. I clearly remember this, since the moment I acknowledged this, the feeling intensified, and for a good 20 minutes I was curled up like a ball as everything around me seemed to disappear, as I was engulfed in the best feeling I have ever felt. I slowly woke up with a satisfied feeling and a completely different view on life.

I am no longer fearful of death. For some reason I am now convinced that there is something after this, that this life is but a test. I am absolutely positive about it, because my heart warms up every time I think about it. For too long I had not done what my heart intended me to do, and now my decisions are based upon the strength that I felt from that night, and other occasions.

Fast forward to June. I am in Italy visiting a friend from my stay in Korea. She introduced me to one of her girlfriends, to whom I was immediately attracted. We talk a lot and she sends me pictures (classy ones, mind you) of her. I really have to keep myself at bay with expressing my love to her. I think about her to a point that I am love sick, something that has not happened for a loooooong time. It also means that I am very insecure about her feelings as well, as if I need confirmation of her feelings sooner or later. This is, of course, not a good game to play, so I am not pushing her. Sometimes I do not text all day, just to keep at least some distance, in order for myself not to lose my mind and keep it cool. I have found, that at especially trying moments, that I turn to prayer. To make it clear, I have not been praying since I was 4. I feel that it brings rest in my mind and the feeling of acceptance of whatever the outcome. Had it not been for god, I would not have this peace. Without god I think I would be depressed and lonelier than I was. I am truly in love with this woman… a feeling which I have not had for many years:)