I first met her when we were both 6 or 7. We’re 14 now. Strap in, this is going to be long. Also I’m from central europe, so sorry if my grammar isn’t the best.
She was this little girl with long black hair who was taught to read at home before she started school. I’ll call her Angie. She smelt kind of bad, which is the only other thing I remember about her from the first year of primary school. Also she’s half gypsy, so little me, raised in a racist family, didn’t want to talk to her. Of course I made friends with other kids who were also not white, and this helped me get over the things my mother and my father taught me from an early childhood. Imagine things like killing/punishing everyone with a darker skin color and such. They also had, and still have some exceptions, which is important to the story.
My parents ended up moving to seperate houses in my second year of primary school, and I stayed with my mom. And by stayed, I mean moved to my grandma’s house, where we were emotionally abused (yes, both of us). My dad also moved to his mother, so we left our house completely empty for a few months, before my mon decided to move back on my birthday because she couldn’t take it anymore. We lived in poverty for some time, mom had two jobs, there was manipulative jerk who wanted to take my dog away after a really bad arguement with my mom, she went to court because of it, ect. So uhh, fun times. This is when my behaviour problems began. I lost friends, and I was bullied. A couple kids were there for me, one of which introduced me to minecraft. (It was in 1.6 at the time.) The boy isn’t important at all, only the game. I was really into it. The problem was, that I always played it alone, because the boys were never online. I was lonely in class too, since I sat alone. So in year 3, I asked the teacher (bless her kind soul) if I could sit next to someone. And so the teacher asked the class if there’s anyone woo eould like to sit next to me. Dead f****** silence. And a single arm in the air. Angie. She wasn’t quite popular at the time, but she wasn’t a complete social reject with an at the time undiagnosed aspergers either. She had a single good friend called Elise. They are still great friends, 5 years later.
Ok so now she was sitting next to me. “Quick, what do normal people talk about??” – asked 9 or 10 years old me.
Yeah you guessed it right. I got her into playing minecraft with me. I also asked her Elise. And with that, I got into the biggest adventure of my life. We played on a server that was often called the biggest in our country. It’s still online, but it’s really not as good. We built a motel on it, called the Bloody motel. Some boys from our class joined in too sometimes. It was all good. Until my little pony came around. I was suddenly a brony. Yes. At the age of 9, I, a girl, called myself a brony. This is how I lost the boys in my class. For a while, they all hated me. And I was a provocative little s***. Angie and Elise also got into mlp with me, but Elise wasn’t as invested, so we kind of left her behind in our fandom stuff. We even had a facebook page dedicated to ponies. We went trough five nights at freddy’s, undertale, and a lot more together after that. She spent a lot of time hanging out with me outside of school too. Around that time, I met Lucy and Jane. As of now, Lucy is 9 years old, and Jane is 5. They are Angie’s cousins. We were at a festival in our town when I met them. Of course they were both younger at the time, but I don’t remember their exact ages. They were really sweet, and Jane really liked me. She still does.
And then Sabrina came to our school. This was year six. One of my friends named Mark, who started talking to me again after I stopped talking about ponies, warned me to avoid her at all cost, but I ignored him and played minecraft with her too. So the four of us, (Angie, Elise, Sabrina and me) started a survival session. This went smootly until we abondened it.
I, of course had a great time with Sabrina. We had sleepovers, we went to our country’s capital city together on my birthday, ect. And then she backstabbed me. She was stirring s*** left and right, I was being harassed online and in school, and I couldn’t do anything. Angie was silent about it, so I assumed that she was playing along with her.
My mother went in and talked to the headmaster about Sabrina, and the harassment slowly but surely stopped. There were two kids who watched yandere simulator videos with me after school. They became my best friends after we discovered some other common interests. Sabrina still didn’t talk to me too much.
And do the real shitshow begins. My mom met a really nice guy a little after the Sabrina thing ended. I’ll call him Steve. Steve is now my step father. That would not be an issue, considerig the fact that my real father is going to marry a 20 something years old girl who he tought since she was 15, and he only ever talks to me like once every 2 months or something. The issue here is that he’s the father of Lucy and Jane. And the divorce beetween him and his wife, (who is, you know… Angie’s aunt) is messy as f***. Like “taking everything from him nad them asking for all his money as child support” kind of messy. The “cheating wife gjves birth to other man’s child” Kind of messy. That child would be Jane. Blood tests proced it. So I tried cutting all remaining contact with Angie. She did the same. I also started watching Steven Universe, which is really important, because it has a story that explores the topic of s********. (as in lgbtq)
Lucy and Jane also came over to our house for a few days, but upon realizing that Steve brought them to us, their mom refused to let them come over for 2 full years. Now back to my friends. One of the two kids (Rose) who watched yansim videos with me was friends with Angie, and so she helped us become friends once again.We all had a great time being friends. The other kid was constantly telling me things that lowered my self-esteem to a point where I was as easy to shatter emotionally as a thin layer of ice. So I talked about Steven Universe, right? That was what helped me question my s********. Idk what it was for Angie and Rose, but they’re also lgbtq. We slowely got rid of the other boy’s homophobic a**. It was awesome. And them I got a crush on Angie. And then the messy divorce got to a point where child protective servicies had to be involved. I don’t know many details, but now Lucy and Jane come over on every second weekend. Keep in mind, these are VERY recent events now. A few weeks ago Jane told me that I’m like a sister to her. Which made me realize that Angie would be my step-cousin. So I tried repressing my crush on her. But then we were accepted to the same secondary school, and apperently, we’re going to be room mates in the dorm of that school, since it’s in a different city! I couldn’t have refused when she asked, since she’s also my best friend. So I lived in a constant state of panic for a few weeks, before she said that “joking about joking about having a crush on me would just be too wierd” which made me realize that we are in fact, related in her eyes. Ok, If I just repress it we can stay bffs. This was 3 days ago. Today, Lucy and Jane are over. We went to the beach together. It was fun, and Jane really enjoyed it. Until she told her mom over the phone that Steve tried to drown her, and claimed that Lucy was the one lying when she said that this never happened. I KNOW for a fact that this never could have happened, because
1. Lucy and I never lost sight of her while we were in the water
2. My mother never lost sight of her either
3. Steve would NEVER do this, not even to the result of hjs ex’s affair with another man, because he still raised Jane. And even if he wouldn’t have raised her, he’s not a f****** psychopath. Also the beach has cameras, so we can prove that we’re right. We don’t know why Jane would try to make people think that her father tried to kill her.

And so here I am right now. Laying in bed. The children are in the other room. (Jane just made a random noise wtf)
My mom can’t sleep because she’s so angry. Steve, for some reason, can. For me, this night is just another reminder, that what started off as being lonely in class has lead to this. And it will countinue on for five more years as we go trough secondary school. And then another thirteen years for mom and Steve until the kids grow up.

I feel guilt, disgust, anger, and whatever negative emotion is left on the spectrum. If I put it all together, it becomes fear. I’m afraid of what’s to come. I’m terrified.