You know what? It gets annoying every time I tried to speak and open up to them. They are my friends..but why is it so hard? Hv you ever felt deserted by

7 years

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You know what?

It gets annoying every time I tried to speak and open up to them.
They are my friends..but why is it so hard?
Hv you ever felt deserted by your own friends but you’re actually the one who got the most attention without knowing it? That means you’re ungrateful!

I’m ungrateful. I’m never satisfied with all the kindness and attention I got from all the people around me. I always push them away and told myself that they’re just using me.

I had a hard time believing others because I’m afraid I’ll end up getting hurt.

I sometimes thought that I’m the bad person. And I don’t deserve anyone in my life. I’m too scared.

When I was 8, I had no friends. I’m the weirdest person who likes doing things alone. I ran away from those who tried to approach me. It’s all because I’m afraid that they won’t like me.

During my high school years, things started to get better. Whenever I avoid people, they kept on coming back to me. They tried really hard pulling me out from my shell.

I ended up trusting them and hope that my life would change if I followed them. And yeah, it did.

They’re now my best friends. 17 of them. But.. I always doubt them because that was my first experience having true friends and hanging out together.

When I did some research, I found out that I have social anxiety disorder.

I always lie to them about my past life saying that I was very popular back then, my mom runs a boutique. I hv a lot of designer’s bags and stuff etc.
I want to look perfect in front of them because I’m afraid I’ll loose them. Selfish, I know.

They always accept one another for who they are. Rich or poor. Good or bad. Dark or white. As long as they’re friends, there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

They trust me but, I doubt them. I know I’m bad and it’s unfair.

3 more days, and I’m going to college.
Again, I need to make new friends. Which I don’t know how..

If only I could turn back time, and throw those lies away.. I think my life won’t be too pathetic and scared of making new friends.

They still didn’t know the truth.
And I’m scared.

New Confession

My parents didn’t do enough when raising me to teach me that actions have consequences and you can’t just be anything you want.

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I used to go online, find girls to have online relations with. I was a teenager. It started from the start of high school, when I was 15. At worst was F, that was my bottom barrel. It was gross. I don’t know how old she was but she was younger. It was near the end, during the pandemic. I was older, she was younger. I don’t know how much younger, but I was 16 I think. She was younger. Like 2 or 3 years younger, I dunno? It was gross of me. I regret doing it but I fear my regret isn’t because of how I hurt someone, took advantage. They were ok with it in the moment, we were both on the same hookup site. But I was gross. No question about it. There was T too but that was a 16-18 age gap. I deleted the accounts. I was just gross.