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a guilt
7 years
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I moved to a new area with a different demographic and the people here are treating me like s*** for no reason. They keep calling me racial slurs and then saying all my people are racist and evil. And, horribly, I’m starting to become racist. I’m starting to feel like life is “us vs them” and notice race before anything when I met people now. I was never like this. I grew up with a very diverse group of friends and never thought anything about it besides that it was fun to share our cultures with each other. I want to go back to just seeing everyone as human.

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I need to cry so badly but I cant. There is so much bad in my life this year. The tears just wont come though. I think I’m too damaged to cry. too numb.

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I used to go online, find girls to have online relations with. I was a teenager. It started from the start of high school, when I was 15. At worst was F, that was my bottom barrel. It was gross. I don’t know how old she was but she was younger. It was near the end, during the pandemic. I was older, she was younger. I don’t know how much younger, but I was 16 I think. She was younger. Like 2 or 3 years younger, I dunno? It was gross of me. I regret doing it but I fear my regret isn’t because of how I hurt someone, took advantage. They were ok with it in the moment, we were both on the same hookup site. But I was gross. No question about it. There was T too but that was a 16-18 age gap. I deleted the accounts. I was just gross.

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