You've never suspected a thing, did you? I don't know how and where to begin. Surely, many people have been through worse than I did, so I probably don't

7 years

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You’ve never suspected a thing, did you?

I don’t know how and where to begin.

Surely, many people have been through worse than I did, so I probably don’t even have the right to say that I’ve been through a lot.

Yet, I wonder why I put on a show for everyone.

On the outside, I’m probably a star student who seems to have the perfect life. Teacher’s favorite. Plenty of extracurricular activities outside of school hours.

But it’s just ironic how I give advice to those who are “depressed” and “extremely sad”, yet, I dismiss the fact that I secretly hate myself too.

Sorry, I shouldn’t be whining like this. I can’t be weak like this. I don’t want to seem so… breakable in front of you.

But I just can’t f—ing help it right now.

After all, I’m not as strong as you think I am. Not even close.

I just don’t want others to see me cry. I don’t want you to worry about me–my emotions should never be a burden for you.

And so I hid everything. From everyone.

I hid the fact that I’m too critical of my own flaws. I forced myself to look happy so that others don’t stare at me and question what’s wrong.

It’s not a bad thing, right?

When I needed to smile, I smiled. My underclassmen looked up to me as someone they always get help from. I was so careful around their problems that I tend to dismiss my own.

I’m probably that disgustingly positive girl who says optimistic stuff all the time.

Then I just overwork myself to live up to the standard.

To them, I’m probably the least expected person to be secretly hateful of herself.

Lately, I reflected upon my actions and realized that I’m so fake.

I’m so f—ing fake.

I’ve worked so hard in my past years to build a good resume, but so what? I’m so tired of trying to prove myself just to give my family bragging rights. My parents were proud of my academic records, so I just kept pushing myself to be the best. I did it because it made them happy.

Even if it was at the expense of my own happiness.

I feel empty at the praises that others give me as I receive certificate after certificate.

They don’t know me at all.

Hah, I probably sound so stupid right now though. So unlike the me that others are used to.

I can’t accept the fact that I’m slowly stepping towards depression. I shouldn’t be thinking this way.

I just can’t do anything about it.

So I’ll just keep painting on a happy face and dress in a layer of confidence for now.

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