I'm a married mother of 2. For over a year now I have been secretly doing things to myself that I thought I'd never be into. Fetishes have always been for

7 years

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I’m a married mother of 2. For over a year now I have been secretly doing things to myself that I thought I’d never be into. Fetishes have always been for k**** people and not me. It started at work. I was in the office alone and I put binder clips on my n******. I walked around t****** like that and did my work as the aching increased. When I took them off I had a feeling of euphoria. I thought it was a one off thing and put it to the back of my mind.

I didn’t have an opportunity to do it again for a while and when I was alone in the office I did it again but this time I also put them on my labia. God, that hurt, a lot. I forced myself to work with them on and I loved the intense feeling after taking them off.

I started to think about it even when I wasn’t able to do it and longed for opportunities to do it. Each time the opportunity arouse I’d do as much as I could. I even started to paddle myself with rulers, putting thumb tacks in my bra and p******.

I feel guilty leading this secret life of self imposed pain but what really scares me that I want to do more. I am having fantasias of being t****** and spanked but I can’t cheat on my husband.

How do I get this under control before I do something I truly regret?

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I used to go online, find girls to have online relations with. I was a teenager. It started from the start of high school, when I was 15. At worst was F, that was my bottom barrel. It was gross. I don’t know how old she was but she was younger. It was near the end, during the pandemic. I was older, she was younger. I don’t know how much younger, but I was 16 I think. She was younger. Like 2 or 3 years younger, I dunno? It was gross of me. I regret doing it but I fear my regret isn’t because of how I hurt someone, took advantage. They were ok with it in the moment, we were both on the same hookup site. But I was gross. No question about it. There was T too but that was a 16-18 age gap. I deleted the accounts. I was just gross.