7 years
x
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I have lied about my identity and gender because of my insecurity and impossible desire to be a boy.Impossible because my parents would never accept to become a transgender or something like that and I’m not even sure if I want this.In real life I like wearing make up I like bags,boys paintet nails just girly stuff and at the same time I like girls too a nice ask would catch my eye I like male clothes games ,long hair etc..It’s so f****** confusing I don’t even know who I am.Here comes to the lie.I have a girlfriend.We are together for 1 year and 8 months now.She’s the last person who believes the lie.I stopped talking to the other girls I have lied to.But with her is harder I can’t let her go cause i fell in love.I really fell in love.Even I have lied to her about my gender and looks everything else I have said to her was real/facts and that’s the other thing she’s the only person I have opened to.I have a broken family I suffer with depression,anxiety and health problems.I have tried to kill myself by 3 times and I still have suicidal thoughts.Its like she’s the only thing that makes me happy and alive.We talk everyday for hours. She makes me laugh she helps me to be a better person in real life she helps me deal with my personality she makes me fell like a NORMAL confident person.I think about my future bc of her and I want future bc of her.I don’t have anybody else.I have never been loved.I’ve never had someone who really cares about me.Shes the only one.She have teached me what love is.If I lose her I would just kill myself for real .But I don’t want to lie anymore.I blame myself for this every fck day.When she’s not texting me I feel the guilt in my chest and it is suffocating me.I see the monster that I am when she’s not around.I don’t know what to do.Its the best and the worst thing in my life.I have been thinking of meeting psychologist but I don’t have money.My parents either.They even get mad at me when I’m sick bc they have to pay for medicine.I am fck disgusting.

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