I very publicly almost live broadcast shooting myself on facebook a couple of months ago and have been completely silent and nobody has communicated with me since then. I survived a few suicide attempts prior and
I have not had any contact with any friends, family or my estranged child & his mom in several months. Everybody thinks I am dead, in hiding or in jail I suppose. Or they just
I was asked by a prominent religious leader to take a short temporary vow as a monk in India.
I dont know what to do with my life from here. I am dying from a brain abcess and have had several cardiac issues, including most recently a STEMI heart attack about 2 weeks ago.
My ex-partner refuses to communicate with me or give me any contact with my son. There are a lot of reasons but in short we hurt each other and may not even be compatible I am not sure anymore as my memory, consciousness and senses are not always trust worthy. I am losing my concept of self, memories, faces, songs… I have a “do not resuscitate” advanced directive one of my health practitioners encouraged me to get…
The scenario has driven me insane on more than a few occasions and I am at a crossroads of what to do and where to go from here… I feel that her and her friends & family are not and will not forgive me for the way I behaved when I initially became ill and over my limits from the situation I found myself in with her. And being shunned and excluded from my sons life only drives me more mad and I scare myself and others at times. So I have been living as a hermit and traveling and trying to find inner peace and be the best person I can be for my son’s memory of me . . . and just living day by day.. sometimes sleeping on the streets, or not eating.. but working and volunteering a lot and helping others as much as I can. I have been ostracized publicly by my own doing and by my ex’s voice online… I am effectively dead but still here and trying to continue doing human rights & peace related work.
However…
I have become increasingly homicidal and wanting to take hostages or go on a murder spree and have not found any therapist who is really able to even take on my case as a client because the details of what has lead me here are pretty absurd. I am afraid my future is either jail or death by cop in lieu of a natural death from my health conditions. Neither of which would be any good for my son’s future. I feel worthless and like the only good thing I can do with my life is die a martyr in some foreign country, likely getting beheaded by some terrorist in Kashmir or Pakistan…which is the region where I am headed. I guess to me I deserve that for the anger and bitterness I have in my heart.. the things I ponder on doing out of revenge because I feel that I am not given forgiveness.. and it creates a cycle wherein I become more and more angry.. but even if I do not react.. even if I do nothing at all and walk away to work on myself… even in my absence.. even if I truly were dead… she still doesnt give a f*** and even deleted all of our photos together off the internet.. but kept the photos of her and her ex-husband… who was cheating on her and MARRIED to another woman at the same time in Japan…! This just.. makes me feel like s*** and that I am done with this life anyway. I think I struggle with whether my heart is in the right place and if any of the damage I have done can be healed or repaired, even if it means my blood being spilled.
Is there actually any forgiveness… I mean.. maybe there is .. somewhere else where we go when we die or something – if thats even a thing.. but really is there any forgiveness here while in this life and in these bodies?
even if I sacrifice my life.. and just leae them alone… and just send money.. or leave money behind… if I just disappear and leave an honorable memory in my last months or years… is there really still any redemption? Have the things I experienced twisted me so much that I am unforgivable, unlovable and worthless?
I am willing to give up my life and die if that means those I love will be happy.
I dont want to hurt them anymore and wish I could know my child.
