Quotes of the deceit of a gay man married to a straight woman (corrected version)
The goal of these true quotes is to confess how Mark feels about his wife Catherine and to to imagine stopping him from being dishonest to her. I would love to be able to tell her these things, and have asked him to be honest with her over and over, but he refused and still refuse with lines like “If I told her that she would have a breakdown”. Hopefully Catherine one day will be able to approach things rationally without knowing this; I just keep hoping. The reason I resumed contact with Mark after receiving a letter from him in July of 2012 where he claimed he wanted to be “someone else” and not the person he had been with me was because, according to him, he broke our friendship as a result of Catherine telling him that she would blackmail me if he didn’t do so. So Mark wrote a letter where he said that he didn’t want to be my special friend anymore in July of 2012. These quotes come from over 30 secret meetings and several hundred hours of phone conversation that took place between Mark and Sal from October 2012 to Jun 2013. Mark and Sal would have lunch together almost every week in that time frame, sometimes meeting twice a week or even three times a week, something Mark has asked Sal to lie about and never reveal to Catherine. Sal took numerous photos of Mark during that time frame in the hope of getting Mark to believe that he is a lovable person, something his internalized self-hatred prevents him from even coming close to believing . In Sal’s mind meeting Mark in secrete was not being dishonest with Catherine since according to Mark the reason he had agreed not to see him was because of a threat of blackmail that she made in July 2012; he commented on her threat over 15 times throughout 2012 and 2013, something he now claims Catherine refuses to have ever said. Catherine also used a false charge against Mark claiming that he COULD BE a pedoxxxle and that she was concerned for the “safety of children” in order to get Mark to comply with some of her demands; when he did, she withdrew her claims and wrote a letter to Mark’s therapist at the time claiming that she had exaggerated and referred to grown-ups as “boys”. I can attest that in all my years of speaking and corresponding with Mark I never got even the slightest hint that he was interested in minors. Yes he was interested in legal age young men, but he never mentioned even vaguely wanting to be with a minor.
Some of these quotes come from several hundreds of emails Mark wrote to Sal during the past 7 years. Mark at one point during the first year of meeting Sal told him that Catherine had suggested to him (Mark) that “I am ok with the idea of a ‘f*** buddy’, a person you meet once in while, have s** with and then go”. Mark later in 2013 claimed that Catherine never said that. So I left that quote out, but I am 100% sure that he said that more than one time. In trying to get to embrace his homosexuality, Mark and Sal read numerous books together from Nov 2012 to June 2013; most of the books were on the coming out process of Gay men who ended up married to straight women. There was even talk between them of writing a book on his coming out story. So Sal kept many notes on his conversation with Mark; also discussed was writing a book on the gargoyles of New York City. My understanding of Mark reveals him to be a deeply self-hating homosexual man with a soft-spoken and gentle demeanor. Mark has hidden from himself and from others for many years that he has little problem playacting for people. Getting Mark to come to accept himself as a gay man after 28 years of marriage and playacting a straight husband with a woman he describes as “looking like a man” was not easy. It should be emphasized that much in Mark’s behavior revealed him ( to any cautious gay observer) to be a hiding homosexual, and that he had always been one, but that he foreclosed on his s***** orientation at an early age and embraced on a life of playacting a straight man, something that he continues to do now even though he now is fully aware of his s***** orientation, and has even told his college age daughter.
Keeping all I know about Mark to myself hurts me deeply; so I am confessing it in the web in order to abate some of my guilt and in order to put a date stamp on it. I know 100% that Mark is leading his wife on due to the fear he feels of embracing the life of a gay man at age 55, taking on the financial risks of a divorce, and dismantling his relation with Catherine, a person he has stated over and over he would love to just have as a sister/roommate/companion, but that due to her inability to accept that arrangement he has to feign romantic love towards.
Quotes by Mark on Catherine:
“You are suggesting that I think of popcorn when I see her, but I can’t get past her looks. Don’t know anyone who could do that”, Mark, 2013.
“I wrote that letter telling you I didn’t want to see you in order to stop Catherine from blackmailing you. I just put down what she wanted me to say”, Mark 2012.
” I used to call her a ‘diamond in the rough’ because she came from a working class family…”, Mark 2013.
” I can’t tell her that I need a man to love. So I call it a special bond or male bonding. She is my special bond. She will eventually know what I mean”, Mark 2013.
” I always get my way. So Catherine will just have to get used to what I want”, Mark 2013.
” I don’t like you calling me a f*****. I hate that word”, Mark 2013.
“The idea of two men living together as a couple doesn’t seem natural to me” , Mark 2010, and variants of the same quote in many other conversations up to end of 2012.
“I find it really unnatural to have gay men adopt children; I can understand gay men living together”, Mark 2012.
“Telling Catherine that I was bi was not good because she thought that I could choose women over men. I can’t “, Mark 2013.
“You (Sal) were the person who helped me understand that I am a gay man”, Mark 2013.
” S** with men feels extremely natural to me with Catherine it feels like a chore”, Mark 2009.
“I don’t look forward to having s** with Catherine, but she needs to have her needs taken care of”, Mark 2013.
“I think he (Sal’s partner) is s*** and would enjoy going to bed with him now that you tell me his c*** is bigger than mine”, Mark 2009.
“I sold her the house for one dollar. So if I were to walk out from this marriage I would be left with nothing”, Mark 2013.
“The reason I stay in the marriage is not only because of financial issues, Catherine is my sister and my companion… She is definitely not my ‘it’ or my ‘popcorn love’ and will never be”, Mark 2013.
“I call her my soul mate, but she is more of a sister/lifemate/companion. I would love for her to find a man to give her what she needs”, Mark 2013.
” I love her like a sister, but she doesn’t want to hear that. So I act like I love her in the way I can love a man”, Mark 2013.
“She is my lifemate and companion. But I lead a special bond with a man. When I speak of special bond with a man I means love, but I don’t put it that way. I have to play down the L word”, Mark 2013.
“I love Catherine, but she is not “it”, and she knows that. She can sense it”, Mark 2013.
“Catherine is a great companion and I like doing things with her. If she only accepted me as her roommate and let me be who I am ! “, Mark 2013.
“She says that it would be too painful being my roommate. So I can’t ask her to be my roommate”, Mark 2013, variant in 2012.
“When we go on the cruise I told her I would be ok if she found a man and that I would have no problems with that… She got so angry, threw me out of the house, and told me that I have no empathy…So I have to act like I don’t want her to find a man.”, Mark 2013.
“I dont think you should ever send Catherine flowers. She won’t like that”, Mark 2012.
“It is wonderful that you (Sal) care about Catherine’s feelings so much. But you seem to think that hurting her with my honest feelings is fine; I don’t agree with you since she could have a breakdown”, Mark 2013.
“I want to have some private time to myself for thinking about men (on the cruise). She told me to keep that to myself and that I have no empathy”, Mark 2013.
“Imagine having to be ‘lovy dovy’ with someone you find so unattractive… She wants me to put her picture on my desk at work, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to”, Mark 2013.
“She say that she wants to be loved like my father loved my mother. When she was old and failing he would still tell her ‘you are beautiful’. I could never feel that way about Catherine. She is like my sister and lifemate, but I still love her in a special way and would like to spend my life with her; if she only accepted my need for deep bonding (romantic love) with a man!”, Mark 2013.
“I think of myself as a ‘straight gay man’. S******* I am attracted only to men, but I enjoy living as a straight man”, Mark 2012.
“She was upset that I said she is a good cook in my document ( referring to his ‘What does my heart want?’ document)”, Mark 2013.
“She asked me if I didn’t like any thing about her and I said I liked her hair”, Mark 2013.
” I told her that I would put her picture on my desk only to calm her down. But I don’t like the thought”, Mark 2013.
“The only people I want in my life are you (Sal) and Catherine”, Mark 2013.
“I will be so nice with Catherine that she will agree to anything”, Mark 2013 (referring to how he would behave during cruise of 2013 to get her to accept him loving a man).
“These days, I have to say nice things about her looks so that she can gets the courage to find a man”, Mark 2013.
“She won’t let me stay overnight with a man, unless she has a man herself and she does the same. I hope she can find a man”, Mark 2013.
“When she told her therapist that I wanted love with a man she (the therapist) replied: Wouldn’t you also want the same? “, Mark 2013.
“I know she thinks she is unattractive, and I agree. I don’t think there is a man out there that would want her. So I will have to stay with her “, Mark 2013.
” I have hurt my wife for 29 years; so feel guilty leaving her”, Mark 2013.
“Catherine won’t let me love a man. She has drawn that line in the sand and can’t get past it”, Mark 2013.
“I have been so h****, but don’t want to see you the same week of our anniversary (Catherine and Mark’s). So hope you are not coming to New York then”, Mark 2012.
“I was so h**** for a man that Catherine told me to go visit you soon”, Mark 2012.
“You should not feel bad for Catherine. She agrees that we see each other (for s**) twice a month”, Mark 2012.
“Having s** with you makes having s** with Catherine more palatable”, Mark 2012.
“I fought my same s** attraction all my life. I guess I just wanted to be normal”, Mark 2013.
” I could not have dealt with my homosexuality earlier”, Mark 2013.
“Even when I was in elementary school I was attracted to guys.”, Mark 2013.
” If Catherine left of her own accord, then I would not feel guilty about it”, Mark 2013.
“If Catherine knew how I feel about men, she would not want to be with me. So I keep it to myself “, Mark 2013.
” I have to agree with her that I will never love a man; so I do and call it male bonding, but I really mean love”, Mark 2013.
” I need her to initiate the divorce. I can’t do that. Then it will be her decision not mine. I like living with her, but she is not “it” for me. She will never be my popcorn love”, Mark 2013.
” I don’t think she can find a man out there that would like her; but you say she is not unattractive”, Mark 2013, variants in 2012,2011.
“You say it would be easy to find a man for her? Which dating services are we talking about?”, Mark 2013.
“Even after losing almost 50 pounds she still is not attractive, but she is not as repulsive looking”, Mark 2013.
“I had to take her to the hospital; the diet she went on to lose weight left her deficient (of some nutrients)”, Mark 2013.
” I have to have s** with her, and I told her I do it because I love her. I want s** with men only. She knows that”, Mark 2013.
” I have s** with her because she needs to have her needs taken care of; I don’t look forward to it, but I do it”, Mark 2013.
“When I told her once that I wanted her to wear a s****** so that she could f*** me she refused. She says she wants to be the woman”, Mark 2012.
” I liked her s******* because she was like a boy when she was young. Now she is unappealing “, Mark 2013, 2012.
“The other guy that I am seeing on the side when I can’t see you is over 60, but he is thin Catherine is physically repulsive”, Mark 2011.
” I love Catherine like a very good friend. She is my sister/lifemate/companion, and I want to spend my life with her; but she won’t agree to just being my friend. It is all or none for her”, Mark 2013.
” I will treat her great during the cruise so that when I come back I can tell her exactly how I feel… I will discuss the L word (love between him and man) and make it sound like male bonding “, Mark 2013.
“I would be so happy if she found a man and she just became my roommate, but every time I say that she gets very angry; so I can’t say it”, Mark 2013, 2012
“She doesn’t want to feel like my compromise”, Mark 2013.
“If I were to separate and live on my own I would only have something like 600 dollars a month for expenses. That would be difficult. I would not have money for food”, Mark 2013.
” I need a lover, but know you will not want me as your your lover because you have a lover already and I would hate to do that to Ed”, Mark 2012.
“Promise me that you will never leave Ed for me. If you were to leave Ed I would never want to be with you. Unless it was Ed who initiated the breakup; but I know you would never want me to breakup with Catherine.”, Mark 2013
“I respect the fact that you don’t want me to break up with Catherine”, Mark many times in 2013.
“Catherine can’t get past the hurt. I have told her how good you were to her”, Mark 2013.
” I understand why Catherine want to have s** with a gay man. She is having her needs taken care of “, Mark 2013.
“I enjoy spending time with Catherine”, Mark many times over the years.
“I don’t look forward to spending romantic moments with Catherine, but I do it. She is physically so unappealing. I can’t believe you think a man could find her attractive”, Mark 2013.
“I can’t understand how you can get past my (Mark’s) body. My body is not a pleasant sight”, Mark many times over the years except when his weight came down to 224 pounds or so.
“I want to be skinny and s***”, Mark through out the years.
“She knows I want a man”, Mark very often in 2012 and 2013.
“She said that there was no way she could have known I was gay”, Mark 2013.
“She is not my ‘popcorn love’, and if she insists on being my ‘popcorn love’ I will use that as ground for divorce”, Mark 2013.
“I love Catherine as a sister but there is more to it; she is also a lifemate and companion. However, she doesn’t want to hear that.”, Mark 2013
“She wants me to act like a possessive husband. If she found a man, I would so happy”, Mark 2013.
“She broke things around the house, and told me she was going to go on Craigslist to find a man to f*** her. When she returned she was upset because I didn’t mind what she said. With her looks she would have a hard time finding anyone to f*** her. I wish she could”, Mark 2013.
“Can you believe that she asked me if I didn’t think she was the most beautiful woman in the world?!”, Mark 2012.
“The first 5 years (of our marriage) were good. She looked like a boy”, Mark 2013, 2012. (Mark never implied he liked liked minors.)
“Her boyfriend of seven years told her he wanted a woman, that she was too masculine”, Mark many times over the years.
“I can be affectionate with her sometimes. But she is not it”, Mark 2013.
“She would make these candle light dinners, but they were just ordinary events for me. She thought they were romantic (sarcasm)”, Mark 2013.
“I have to talk about ‘male bonding’ not loving a man, or she will not understand. But she will understand eventually”, Mark 2013.
“She won’t find a man because she thinks she is ugly and is not appealing. So I will have to stay with her; and I care about her”, Mark 2013.
“You think I think she is not attractive because I am gay; but I am right, few men would want her”, Mark 2013.
“Sometimes she has moments of clarity and tells me that she understands that I am gay, and that she was wrong in thinking of me as a straight husband”, Mark 2013.
“I don’t look forward to having s** with her, but I have to do it” , Mark 2013.
“You say I am lying to Catherine and that I should be honest with her, but I love her. She is my companion. I have been with her for 29 years. If I told her how I feel she would have a breakdown and need to be hospitalized”, Mark 2013.
“She will know who I am one day. For now I will just say I need male bonding”, Mark 2013.
“She breaks things around the house when I tell her what I really want. So I have to keep my desires to myself”, Mark 2013.
“I will be so nice to her that she won’t have a problem accepting my relation with you. Any other man would be risky for her as I know I can trust you (Sal) like no one”, Mark 2013.
“She told me she breaks things around the house because she knows I love the house”, Mark 2013
“I love buildings and men. I don’t love Catherine as I love a buildings or men”, Mark 2013.
“I respect the fact that you gave me my freedom and would let me discuss anything I wanted to discuss with you”, Mark 2013, variants in 2012, and 2011.
“I have never lied to you”, Mark 2013.
“I have broken many promises. So I can brake another one”, Mark 2013.
“She thinks that we are going to follow Grace (daughter) around the country. I don’t want to do that when I retire”, Mark 2013.
“I am ugly and unattractive, but I have a nice face. Its amazing that you like me, but you didn’t find my body attractive when you met me. Fortunately you
can look beyond that. I am not like you; I can’t look beyond Catherine unappealing body. I love her though in a special way. It would be great if she found a straight man to take care of her needs.”, Mark 2013.
“I want an open marriage with her, but she won’t even read the book I suggested she read”, Mark 2013.
“When I told her I wanted an open marriage, she became very angry”, Mark 2013.
“You and Catherine would love talking about math together”, Mark 2012, 2013, variants many other times.
“If Catherine only knew how much you protected her when I was going crazy”, Mark 2012, 2013.
“We can help Catherine find a man. I agree with you now that she is not ugly and that there is a man out there for her”, Mark 2013.
“I like your idea about being our coach and training with us; I want to look s***”, Mark 2013.
“It’s going to be great when you, Ed, Catherine and me (I) can have dinners together”, Mark 2013, 2012.
“You (Sal) were so good to Catherine”, Mark 2013.
“She thinks you (Sal) made me gay. She has no clue. I was always attracted to men. Any man would have done it”, Mark 2013.
“No I don’t d********** well because I learned to s*** (c***) in p*** shops as you think. I learned from watching videos and practicing on sausages when was a kid. All straight men do that”, Mark 2013
“One day I met a guy in a p*** store who told me to be careful about AIDS”, Mark 2007.
“I think about c*** and a** all day”, Mark 2009, variants in 2012, and 2013.
“I have finally accepted that I am gay and not bisexual”, Mark 2013.
” I really enjoyed getting fucked by that masseur in Harlem. I didn’t even check to see if he had a condom until he was inside me. It was too late”, Mark 2011.
“I know that it will be almost impossible to find another person I can trust as I can trust you (Sal)”, Mark 2013.
“I want a completely monogamous relation with you. I don’t want to bring anyone else in besides Catherine and you. I know I can trust you (Sal)”, Mark 2013.
“I have to worry about Catherine’s safety. If she can meet a man to take care of her needs that will change”, Mark 2012.
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