I have this friend that I used to be really close with, I don’t feel as close anymore but she does, and she moved away and she really likes coming down to see me. When we do see each other we usually sit there and chill, and hug a lot and sometimes we just do playful things like friends do, and it can be nice for her because she feels happy when that happens, and I like that.
But I don’t like doing it, one of the main issues being that I have a girlfriend and it doesn’t feel right hugging and messing with said friend anymore.
But at the same time, whenever I try to steer away from it or when I suggest that we tone it down she starts getting really angry and upset with me and tells me that she’s unhappy that things are changing and that she doesn’t mean anything to me anymore because of me being a bit less comfortable with all of this happening.
It happened again last night, and she was slapping my b*** and and I did it a few times back, and although I know that I meant nothing by it, I know it was wrong and I just didn’t know what to do. i kept bottling it up at the time and pretending that everything was all cool and this was normal and fine, and now I’m looking back on it and I just hate that it happened.
I feel scummy, I feel dirty and I don’t know what to do. I’m scared of what she might do to herself if I do stop, because she’s someone with a history of self-harm but I don’t want to mess up my relationship at all because I really do love the girl that I’m with.
I’m already planning on telling her that it did happen, and I know that I don’t deserve the person that I’m with because of all of this.
I just don’t know what to do. I’m scared of doing anything drastic because I don’t want it on my conscience that me doing something ended up pushing someone over the edge, but I can’t keep going along with it all because it’s just wrong.